Emotional Exhaustion

So if you go back and look at Leila's blog (too tired to put the links in, you people do the work) you'll see that she and I had a conversation about lost loves etc a while back. Might have been last week, might have been the week before that. Who knows. Anyway, at the time I thought I had been clear who I was referring too. Not so much apparently. I found this out while discussing American Gods and its awesome ending. Here's the conversation that precipitated it:

Anathema: and if you're anything like me, i'll get a phone call within 5 min of you getting it saying something to the effect of "OH MY GOD! THAT ROCKED!"
Leila: hehe
A: i got that call from him.
L: nice
A: and he finished it weeks after breaking my heart
L: he broke your heart?
A: so if he called under those circumstances...
A: ...
A: oh god.
A: leila...you know he and i dated, right?
L: yes i know
A: and he cheated on me?
A: ok...
L: ah that i didn't know
A: oh boy
A: hang on
A: let me figure out how to short hand this for you

Needless to say a story like that doesn't shorthand...well at all. The result? A VERY VERY LONG story where I ended up digging up some stuff that I had worked good and hard to bury. Deeply. In a safe. Capable of withstanding a blast from anything up to and including a hydrogen bomb.

I am very very very tired. I am very emotional. I haven't been that close to crying in a long time. It was pointed out to me by two different people that crying would be a good thing to do every now and then. I didn't cry. I'm glad I didn't in a way. I shed my tears over this long ago, and frankly I am not all that interested in being a professional victim. Frankly I know people who do that and I find it disgusting. And annoying. And the antithesis of what I strive to do. I would rather make peace with my past, and be aware of it so that I dont relive it.

However, as another dear friend said "and I bet it was good to talk about the things that roughed ya up before. It's good to talk about em sometimes."

Indeed.

Plus, got to talk more with Leila, who I'm finding to be an friend of the best sort - unexpected.

So for now those memories, good, bad and bittersweet are being wrapped back in tissue paper, carefully packed and put in the attic. For a little while at least.

I am to bed. For emotionally drained as I am, I require sleep. So...

Sleeping the sleep of the just. Catch ya on the flip side.