Right, so you're about to see a bunch of pictures taken with my new camera. Enjoy them, don't enjoy them, it's all good. Old close friends know there was a time when you wouldn't see me without my 35mm SLR. And then, for reasons which don't really matter anymore, I totally lost my passion for the pictures. The long dark teatime of the photographer's soul, which is too bad cause I was getting to be kinda good at it. Anyway. I have the digital variety, though I suspect in a few years I'll go get a tricked out film variety camera again.
Still, the problem remains - I need to learn how to EFFECTIVELY use PhotoShop. Anyone out there willing to spare a couple hours to teach me how to do it well?
One other thing - this has been bugging me...the way that blogger is set up, with most recent posts on the top is starting to annoy the hell out of me. It seems to refute the logical flow of things, so I gotta ask - what are others opinions of switching the the flow over so that more recent posts are on the bottom of the page as opposed to on the top? I realize that having them on the top is easier to find out if a new post has been put there...I mean at this point that's how I look at people's blogs/livejournals...but there is something to be said for the other way. What's the verdict out there? Comment please!
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
See the Cute, Harmless Kitty
Aww he looks so innocent! He's also wondering what the hell that long tube pointing at him is...
...Who Has Caused Permanent Scarring
Yea...cute kitty who ended up taking a swipe at my nose. That'll teach me to let my face near those claws - yeeouch! It did lead to much apologizing on Ehren's part though...after all he's the one who took the ribbon and tossed in the general direction of my nose for Eliot to swipe at...
OK this is kinda cool - my camera has a function on it called "nightshot" and "nightframing". Basically they make the camera act like night vision goggles...in nightshot the picture actually comes out looking like it was taken in those colors - like this one here. Nightframing means you "see" it through the finder and/or LCD as if it was night vision...but the picture comes out in the usual coloring.
I Have Absolutely Nothing To Say
...but I'm blogging anyway. I'm not sure why really. In fact this may turn into a super short post.
Enjoying the vacation, it's going to be over WAY too quickly. I need two weeks I think - one for just sleeping and one for actually doing the dumb things I gotta do. Touch the puppet head.
And major bonus points as well as some of the double fudge cake I just baked if you can get the reference I just threw in there. As a hint, it is in fact a song title. Hmm... that reminds me I should download those CDs. I have a bunch of the music on tape...but it would be nice to have it on CD as well. Plus who uses tapes anymore it seems.
I have a new digital camera. She and I are going to have loads of fun together. I'll post pictures soon...
Hmmm...what else? Hung out a bunch with Leila and Ehren - that was fun - thanks for the company guys, you kept me out of my own head which I appreciate much.
I need to get a new calendar. I want the "Endless Nights" one from Amazon.com...but somehow I can't justify spending $15 on a calendar. Maybe I'll get a cheap wall calendar...and spend the $10 on the cuddly eeyore that I want at the Disney store. Because a girl can never have too many stuffed animals. And I've always wanted my own eeyore...:)
OK, I'll stop now and wander off into the mystic. Later darlings!
Enjoying the vacation, it's going to be over WAY too quickly. I need two weeks I think - one for just sleeping and one for actually doing the dumb things I gotta do. Touch the puppet head.
And major bonus points as well as some of the double fudge cake I just baked if you can get the reference I just threw in there. As a hint, it is in fact a song title. Hmm... that reminds me I should download those CDs. I have a bunch of the music on tape...but it would be nice to have it on CD as well. Plus who uses tapes anymore it seems.
I have a new digital camera. She and I are going to have loads of fun together. I'll post pictures soon...
Hmmm...what else? Hung out a bunch with Leila and Ehren - that was fun - thanks for the company guys, you kept me out of my own head which I appreciate much.
I need to get a new calendar. I want the "Endless Nights" one from Amazon.com...but somehow I can't justify spending $15 on a calendar. Maybe I'll get a cheap wall calendar...and spend the $10 on the cuddly eeyore that I want at the Disney store. Because a girl can never have too many stuffed animals. And I've always wanted my own eeyore...:)
OK, I'll stop now and wander off into the mystic. Later darlings!
Friday, December 24, 2004
In Which the Author's Geministic Duality is Re-Discovered
So, as soon as I think I have a handle on something...something goes and changes that sure knowledge. I'm attempting to hang onto that surefire piece of knowledge, it's hard though because it's making me tamp down that cool excited feeling. Still, I know it's the right thing to do...
And now onto the bit that explores my confusing dual-personality...
What's Your Outlook on Life?
brought to you by Quizilla
And now onto the bit that explores my confusing dual-personality...
What's Your Outlook on Life?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sunday, December 19, 2004
In Which The Author Realizes Something A Bit Too Late
I went rock climbing tonight. Got the harness rented, learned how to belay for someone...it was great.
And then I clipped in after the ppl I was with had given it a shot. And as I was clipping in, getting ready to climb (keep in mind this was an indoor place) I remembered something.
Something key.
Something I probably should have realized earlier.
This was more or less my exact thought:
Oh fuck, I'm afraid of heights...
Yep. I have been since I was a kid. Now, as the years have gone by the fear has lessened, for example, I can now sit in balcony seats and not freak out, but the basic fear is still there.
So the first time I climbed up, I only got about 50-70% up the wall before coming down. Which was actually just as frightening.
You see, to climb up, you need to look down to help you get your feet in the right place. Which is scary. But, to climb down? You need to let go of the handholds. Now this is hard because you're basically up there on a piece of rope trusting your belay-partner to lower you down. And you're trusting the anti-fall device on your equipment. And you know I have trust issues.
So, to go down you have to let go of everything, put your legs at a 90 degree angle to your body and just let yourself go down, nice and slow.
I had issues.
But, I did it. And then next time I went up the same course, and I went up all the way. Letting go was still tough, but I did it.
The third time? I went up a tougher course...and it was harder because it was frankly hard to get hand holds anywhere. I had to stop a couple of times and figure stuff out, I wasn't sure I was gonna make it. But damnit I did. And I did good. That time it was easy to let go and come down because I didn't have the strength to hold on anymore. I did good.
Granted by the end my hands were literally shaking from the exertion...but it was a good feeling.
And screw you fear of heights! I didn't let you stop me from having FUN! It was GREAT.
And then we went had dinner and went to the Tunnel a bar. We were im Northhampton.
It was great. Truly truly fun with colleagues and stuff. The two martinis were not a bad perk either (Lemon Drop martini and Green Apple martini...yum!)
Plus I tied a cherry stem into a triple knot! Rock on, and go me!!
And then I clipped in after the ppl I was with had given it a shot. And as I was clipping in, getting ready to climb (keep in mind this was an indoor place) I remembered something.
Something key.
Something I probably should have realized earlier.
This was more or less my exact thought:
Oh fuck, I'm afraid of heights...
Yep. I have been since I was a kid. Now, as the years have gone by the fear has lessened, for example, I can now sit in balcony seats and not freak out, but the basic fear is still there.
So the first time I climbed up, I only got about 50-70% up the wall before coming down. Which was actually just as frightening.
You see, to climb up, you need to look down to help you get your feet in the right place. Which is scary. But, to climb down? You need to let go of the handholds. Now this is hard because you're basically up there on a piece of rope trusting your belay-partner to lower you down. And you're trusting the anti-fall device on your equipment. And you know I have trust issues.
So, to go down you have to let go of everything, put your legs at a 90 degree angle to your body and just let yourself go down, nice and slow.
I had issues.
But, I did it. And then next time I went up the same course, and I went up all the way. Letting go was still tough, but I did it.
The third time? I went up a tougher course...and it was harder because it was frankly hard to get hand holds anywhere. I had to stop a couple of times and figure stuff out, I wasn't sure I was gonna make it. But damnit I did. And I did good. That time it was easy to let go and come down because I didn't have the strength to hold on anymore. I did good.
Granted by the end my hands were literally shaking from the exertion...but it was a good feeling.
And screw you fear of heights! I didn't let you stop me from having FUN! It was GREAT.
And then we went had dinner and went to the Tunnel a bar. We were im Northhampton.
It was great. Truly truly fun with colleagues and stuff. The two martinis were not a bad perk either (Lemon Drop martini and Green Apple martini...yum!)
Plus I tied a cherry stem into a triple knot! Rock on, and go me!!
Friday, December 17, 2004
Twelve is the New Eleven...
...except not really.
I just saw "Ocean's Twelve." So here's my spoiler-free review. It was an enjoyable movie. It's not Ocean's Eleven. That movie had this classic feel to it - which makes sense given that it was a remake of a Rat Pack movie. Having said that - I throughly enjoyed the sequel. It has a different feel to it...but I was laughing through most of it.
I don't think you're gonna miss anything if you choose to wait to see it on DVD...but if you get a chance, go check out the movie in the theatre anyway. I actually want to see it again...but I think I'll wait for the DVD.
Saw a preview for "Hitch" starring Will Smith. Damn, that boy looks good. It comes out in February. That might have to be my anti-Valentines day movie this year. It's a romantic comedy, but I think I'll enjoy it.
Saw "Donnie Darko" and "The Butterfly Effect" last weekend. Yeah that seriously f*$%&# with my sense of space/time. I'd say it messed with it for the forseeable future, but to be honest I'm not sure what past/present/future mean anymore. Yikes. Note - if you're gonna watch both movies give yourself something of a break between them. Watching them over 2 days (whatever that means) was probably a good way to cause a serious feedback loop in my brain. A serious one.
Got tickets to go see Jon Stewart. I am psyched. Of course my darling best friend tamped down a bit of the excitement by saying something that qualified as an unadulterated bastard-ish comment. I know he didn't mean to...but his tone was so cutting that it really upset me. *shrugs.* Nothing I can really do about it I suppose...but man that hurt.
I'm a little sensitive about the whole thing - you know me and my tentativeness when it comes to feeling unwanted in a group, which has in general been exacerbated recently. I dunno. I'd say it was my problem and that I'll deal with it, but I'm kinda tired of being strong all the time. This may in part have something to do with the sheer exhaustion I'm dealing with becuase of work. No small part really.
I know that I'm supposed to say something, and believe something, along the lines of "all that really matters is that I think I'm beautiful." But really, that's utter bullshit. Why? Because that's not the society we live in - we are not judged on how we judge ourselves; we're judged based on how other people perceive us. Pure and simple. And no matter how I see myself on the inside, it doesn't matter if other people don't see me that way...and please spare me the line about the inner "light shining through." Let's reserve that fairy tale for children and hysterial teen girls please.
Yes, inner confidence can burst through a person, showing amounts of personality, and certainly if you have nothing but a pretty face it'll catch up with you sooner or later. But you also need something more than that...or you need other people to see it.
And in the end, other people aren't seeing that.
I know this sounds self-pitying and I'm gonna hear it from at least two people I can think of... please. I'm not wanting to hear that, especially from people who I've talked through their own share of issues. I'm just...tired. So tired. And I'm just having trouble hanging onto the inner optimist.
Because no matter how pessimistic/cynical I appear those who know me best know that my heart has been on my sleeve forever and I'm sunshiney most days.
So what's changed? Why do I feel like I'm dying inside? I honestly don't know...and it's not the job. It's not first year syndrome and to treat it as such is dismissing this. I'm getting out, I'm doing stuff, it's just...I feel like I'm going through the motions. Disconnected?
As for what's been going on in the other hand...I refer you to an earlier entry and say, he's just not that into me. I trust my instincts - and that's what they're screaming at me. Not listening to my instincts has inevitably resulted in trouble for me.
Maybe it's time to close off before I get so far that I end up a broken wreck.
I want to say more...I want to rail and scream and yell, but I'll only hurt friends if I do so...and anytime I try to talk to them, I'm shut down. Dismissed. Treated as if this is just a regular thing when I know something else is going on.
I guess it's normal though - people who are happy don't want to go near that abyss...they are afraid they're gonna get dragged in again. Can't say I blame them. Rather, I know I shouldn't. But I guess part of me does...I just want to be able to sit down and talk to someone who knows me. But like I said, even if I hate it, I understand.
Besides, I know I'm gonna end up doing what I always end up doing, defending thoughts and ideas of those in my family, because they are foreign to those outside who care about me. And nothing ever gets resolved because they can't help but be judgemental of what they don't understand. Human nature and all that.
So for now...I keep going. To quote a great man, either I'll come out the other side. Or I won't. Either way, I'll be here getting through this, like it or not. *sighs*
This sounds bad...I should apologize but I'm not going to. Why should I keep hiding just because it annoys other people? What good does that do?
Sleep for tonight I guess.
I just saw "Ocean's Twelve." So here's my spoiler-free review. It was an enjoyable movie. It's not Ocean's Eleven. That movie had this classic feel to it - which makes sense given that it was a remake of a Rat Pack movie. Having said that - I throughly enjoyed the sequel. It has a different feel to it...but I was laughing through most of it.
I don't think you're gonna miss anything if you choose to wait to see it on DVD...but if you get a chance, go check out the movie in the theatre anyway. I actually want to see it again...but I think I'll wait for the DVD.
Saw a preview for "Hitch" starring Will Smith. Damn, that boy looks good. It comes out in February. That might have to be my anti-Valentines day movie this year. It's a romantic comedy, but I think I'll enjoy it.
Saw "Donnie Darko" and "The Butterfly Effect" last weekend. Yeah that seriously f*$%&# with my sense of space/time. I'd say it messed with it for the forseeable future, but to be honest I'm not sure what past/present/future mean anymore. Yikes. Note - if you're gonna watch both movies give yourself something of a break between them. Watching them over 2 days (whatever that means) was probably a good way to cause a serious feedback loop in my brain. A serious one.
Got tickets to go see Jon Stewart. I am psyched. Of course my darling best friend tamped down a bit of the excitement by saying something that qualified as an unadulterated bastard-ish comment. I know he didn't mean to...but his tone was so cutting that it really upset me. *shrugs.* Nothing I can really do about it I suppose...but man that hurt.
I'm a little sensitive about the whole thing - you know me and my tentativeness when it comes to feeling unwanted in a group, which has in general been exacerbated recently. I dunno. I'd say it was my problem and that I'll deal with it, but I'm kinda tired of being strong all the time. This may in part have something to do with the sheer exhaustion I'm dealing with becuase of work. No small part really.
I know that I'm supposed to say something, and believe something, along the lines of "all that really matters is that I think I'm beautiful." But really, that's utter bullshit. Why? Because that's not the society we live in - we are not judged on how we judge ourselves; we're judged based on how other people perceive us. Pure and simple. And no matter how I see myself on the inside, it doesn't matter if other people don't see me that way...and please spare me the line about the inner "light shining through." Let's reserve that fairy tale for children and hysterial teen girls please.
Yes, inner confidence can burst through a person, showing amounts of personality, and certainly if you have nothing but a pretty face it'll catch up with you sooner or later. But you also need something more than that...or you need other people to see it.
And in the end, other people aren't seeing that.
I know this sounds self-pitying and I'm gonna hear it from at least two people I can think of... please. I'm not wanting to hear that, especially from people who I've talked through their own share of issues. I'm just...tired. So tired. And I'm just having trouble hanging onto the inner optimist.
Because no matter how pessimistic/cynical I appear those who know me best know that my heart has been on my sleeve forever and I'm sunshiney most days.
So what's changed? Why do I feel like I'm dying inside? I honestly don't know...and it's not the job. It's not first year syndrome and to treat it as such is dismissing this. I'm getting out, I'm doing stuff, it's just...I feel like I'm going through the motions. Disconnected?
As for what's been going on in the other hand...I refer you to an earlier entry and say, he's just not that into me. I trust my instincts - and that's what they're screaming at me. Not listening to my instincts has inevitably resulted in trouble for me.
Maybe it's time to close off before I get so far that I end up a broken wreck.
I want to say more...I want to rail and scream and yell, but I'll only hurt friends if I do so...and anytime I try to talk to them, I'm shut down. Dismissed. Treated as if this is just a regular thing when I know something else is going on.
I guess it's normal though - people who are happy don't want to go near that abyss...they are afraid they're gonna get dragged in again. Can't say I blame them. Rather, I know I shouldn't. But I guess part of me does...I just want to be able to sit down and talk to someone who knows me. But like I said, even if I hate it, I understand.
Besides, I know I'm gonna end up doing what I always end up doing, defending thoughts and ideas of those in my family, because they are foreign to those outside who care about me. And nothing ever gets resolved because they can't help but be judgemental of what they don't understand. Human nature and all that.
So for now...I keep going. To quote a great man, either I'll come out the other side. Or I won't. Either way, I'll be here getting through this, like it or not. *sighs*
This sounds bad...I should apologize but I'm not going to. Why should I keep hiding just because it annoys other people? What good does that do?
Sleep for tonight I guess.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Religious Philosophy
Joan: Why did you make so many religions, anyway? I mean, wouldn't it
be easier if everybody had the same one?
God: Well, there's so many different people. They all need a different way of relating to me, and that's what religions are -- different ways to share the same truth.
~ Joan of Arcadia
Yeah. So I really love that show. If you haven't seen it, you should. And at times when they say stuff like that? It's so simple - but apparently so controversial idea people are willing to kill and die for it.
Humanity. We're a bunch of losers.