Twelve is the New Eleven...

...except not really.

I just saw "Ocean's Twelve." So here's my spoiler-free review. It was an enjoyable movie. It's not Ocean's Eleven. That movie had this classic feel to it - which makes sense given that it was a remake of a Rat Pack movie. Having said that - I throughly enjoyed the sequel. It has a different feel to it...but I was laughing through most of it.

I don't think you're gonna miss anything if you choose to wait to see it on DVD...but if you get a chance, go check out the movie in the theatre anyway. I actually want to see it again...but I think I'll wait for the DVD.

Saw a preview for "Hitch" starring Will Smith. Damn, that boy looks good. It comes out in February. That might have to be my anti-Valentines day movie this year. It's a romantic comedy, but I think I'll enjoy it.

Saw "Donnie Darko" and "The Butterfly Effect" last weekend. Yeah that seriously f*$%&# with my sense of space/time. I'd say it messed with it for the forseeable future, but to be honest I'm not sure what past/present/future mean anymore. Yikes. Note - if you're gonna watch both movies give yourself something of a break between them. Watching them over 2 days (whatever that means) was probably a good way to cause a serious feedback loop in my brain. A serious one.

Got tickets to go see Jon Stewart. I am psyched. Of course my darling best friend tamped down a bit of the excitement by saying something that qualified as an unadulterated bastard-ish comment. I know he didn't mean to...but his tone was so cutting that it really upset me. *shrugs.* Nothing I can really do about it I suppose...but man that hurt.

I'm a little sensitive about the whole thing - you know me and my tentativeness when it comes to feeling unwanted in a group, which has in general been exacerbated recently. I dunno. I'd say it was my problem and that I'll deal with it, but I'm kinda tired of being strong all the time. This may in part have something to do with the sheer exhaustion I'm dealing with becuase of work. No small part really.

I know that I'm supposed to say something, and believe something, along the lines of "all that really matters is that I think I'm beautiful." But really, that's utter bullshit. Why? Because that's not the society we live in - we are not judged on how we judge ourselves; we're judged based on how other people perceive us. Pure and simple. And no matter how I see myself on the inside, it doesn't matter if other people don't see me that way...and please spare me the line about the inner "light shining through." Let's reserve that fairy tale for children and hysterial teen girls please.

Yes, inner confidence can burst through a person, showing amounts of personality, and certainly if you have nothing but a pretty face it'll catch up with you sooner or later. But you also need something more than that...or you need other people to see it.

And in the end, other people aren't seeing that.

I know this sounds self-pitying and I'm gonna hear it from at least two people I can think of... please. I'm not wanting to hear that, especially from people who I've talked through their own share of issues. I'm just...tired. So tired. And I'm just having trouble hanging onto the inner optimist.

Because no matter how pessimistic/cynical I appear those who know me best know that my heart has been on my sleeve forever and I'm sunshiney most days.

So what's changed? Why do I feel like I'm dying inside? I honestly don't know...and it's not the job. It's not first year syndrome and to treat it as such is dismissing this. I'm getting out, I'm doing stuff, it's just...I feel like I'm going through the motions. Disconnected?

As for what's been going on in the other hand...I refer you to an earlier entry and say, he's just not that into me. I trust my instincts - and that's what they're screaming at me. Not listening to my instincts has inevitably resulted in trouble for me.

Maybe it's time to close off before I get so far that I end up a broken wreck.

I want to say more...I want to rail and scream and yell, but I'll only hurt friends if I do so...and anytime I try to talk to them, I'm shut down. Dismissed. Treated as if this is just a regular thing when I know something else is going on.

I guess it's normal though - people who are happy don't want to go near that abyss...they are afraid they're gonna get dragged in again. Can't say I blame them. Rather, I know I shouldn't. But I guess part of me does...I just want to be able to sit down and talk to someone who knows me. But like I said, even if I hate it, I understand.

Besides, I know I'm gonna end up doing what I always end up doing, defending thoughts and ideas of those in my family, because they are foreign to those outside who care about me. And nothing ever gets resolved because they can't help but be judgemental of what they don't understand. Human nature and all that.

So for now...I keep going. To quote a great man, either I'll come out the other side. Or I won't. Either way, I'll be here getting through this, like it or not. *sighs*

This sounds bad...I should apologize but I'm not going to. Why should I keep hiding just because it annoys other people? What good does that do?

Sleep for tonight I guess.