Everytime I go to put a post something makes me stop. For whatever reason, they really aren't that important I suppose. I was going to post on teh 1-year anniversary of this blog. I wanted to post after going to see Jon Stewart. But everytime there was a block.
Which brings me to the next point.
I need to thank some people, who helped me through a pretty rough patch. They know who they are and how they helped. The past couple days would have been worse than ever without a few key people - people who frankly suprised me with their helpfullness. These were not super close friends - but they were life savers.
Where were the ones who I usually reach out to?
One of my problems with this blog has been being honest without being passive-aggressive. It's a fine line to be walking, and often when I seem overly cryptic it's simply my way of not crossing that line. Of course sometimes it's just me being enigmatic...cause you know that is fun too!
I guess what it really comes down to is a rather startling realization I made.
To many in my life, to many whom I felt close to, I am nothing more than a clown. Someone to laugh at in the guise of laughing with. A pleasant sidekick - the asexual friend who never really gets the main plot. Useful to keep around in times of crisis...but not particularly someone to have when things are going super well. And certainly not someone to have around when not being funny or helpful.
And I have been letting it go on. Because somewhere in my deep psyche being helpful was an accolade. Something to strive for. Make yourself useful and people will keep you around.
Like a doormat.
This really has been a repeating pattern since my youth, and one that I thought I'd conquered.
Not so much apparently.
Ok. So where next?
Damned if I know.
Whoever said knowing is half the battle was full of it. Seriously now. Knowing is a step. And a small one at that.
This week is devoted to figuring stuff out. Obviously there need to be changes made, and hopefully they won't be too painful...but I doubt that they won't. Nothing that truly affects us is painless.
I guess I need to get rid of the more toxic elements in my life. Should I confront that part, that darkness or do I walk away quietly?
I've been struggling with this for a while. I try to talk it out with people who know me well...but that hasn't been working.
I found help in the guise of a man who I've known since he was no more than 8 and I was 13. He's 20 now, the little brother of my close friend. And he said a few things that I don't know if I believe - but I needed desperately to hear.
And he didn't make me feel like a drain or like I was a burden. That was a new feeling.
Also a new feeling - not being made to feel that by expressing sorrow or fear that I was just being "bitter." It's funny how those who claim to know me well are so quick to call me that in a derogatory manner.
So here it is - I'm human. I have my problems and I have my fears. If you don't want the whole package, good and bad, light and dark, angel and devil, then get out. If you are going to be reduced to calling me names, calling me bitter for feeling things, then get out. If you are going to dismiss my heart and my worth in word or deed (and please remember actions speak louder than words) then I do not want you in my life.
I changed the quotes off on the sidebar, and here are a few others, which have always whispered in my ear.
Life, like time, is a journey through darkness.
~ Neil Gaiman
Omnia mutantur, nihil interit.
Only the phoenix arises and does not descend. And everything changes. And nothing is truly lost.
~ Neil Gaiman
There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting, in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain.
~ Babylon 5
I hope these words help you find your heart as they help me find mine. I hope your world is filled with more light than dark. I hope that you can find pleasure in the storm and keep friends that don't cause more sorrow than joy. I hope you never forget what it feels like to be kissed by someone who loves you. I hope you never look around and realize that you are an island and that you wake up with the knowledge of your own worth and happiness.
I hope you leave the world a better place than you found it.
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