But Why Is The Rum Gone?

A bit how I feel like my life at the moment. Why is the rum gone? I should feel fairly happy - yes true the kids came back but they seem alright for the most part. Life goes on. And yet...

Disconnect. Again. I know, big suprise. I guess for awhile there I was feeling plugged in again, though why I couldn't tell you. Now? Not as such. Which is why instead of going to bed I'm sitting here blogging in code words so that I won't hurt the feelings of those whom I adore.

For a bit there, felt like there were some people who were in the same spot as I...now I feel like it's all gone to pot again. Everyone who I'm close to is at this different spot in their lives, and I can't quite seem to get there. Grr, argh. Instead I sit on the sidelines watching, wondering what I need to do to get in the game. I've had suggestions, but they all feel...not right. Contrary to something pretty deep inside. And even those suggestions are far and few between. I don't want to talk about it anymore, really the only reason I'm blogging is that if I don't get it out I'm pretty sure I'm not going to sleep tonight.

I was in professional mode most of the summer - and when I was there I felt fine. I stopped that and here I am again. I go out...and I feel like I'm struggling to keep from, I dunno, sulking in a corner somewhere. Actually most of hte going out inicdents leave me feeling pretty humiliated. I enjoy them, but I always feel bad after.

This is the part where I should go back to the beginning, and say that while the rum is gone, perhaps the thousand foot signal that burning the vile drink causes will result in the metaphorical rescue ship.

I don't believe that. I'm not being pessimistic...because I haven't lost hope exactly. I just don't have it. It's the absence of even lack of hope that drives people to despair. It's not even apathy, which has negative connotations. Rather, I'm just...existing. Complete removal from everything, and everyone. God I wish I could talk to someone about this. In the meantime, no helpful platitudes no nothing. Going out again Friday, hopefully this night will end without the requisite shame and humiliation.

Yee-fucking-haw.