Mish mash of stuff

Today has been a mixed day. At best. Lots o fun at IKEA doing some shopping, which just adds to the shopping spree that began with teh 20GB iPod and just doesn't seem ready to end.

OK, with the exception of the iPod, everything else has been stress related spending. Since I'm no longer able to eat Ben and Jerry's Peanut butter cup to try and work out a depressive mood, instead I think I've begun using my credit card. This can end in tragedy.

Last night was much fun, Steve and AUSTIN came over, and really if you want to feel good spend a couple hours in the presence of a flamingly gay (white) man with a big black woman persona inside him. Haven't seen Austin in ages, and really felt good to hang out with him. Erica and then this guy I went to hs with, Aaron, showed up and it was all pizza and ice cream to celebrate Steve's 25th birthday.

I've been having fun lately, really I have been. I have so much awesome stuff in my life...I've got a roommate who is just plain awesome, great friends, an adorable kitten, a good job, and if some of my co-workers need to go away, well that's just the norm for any job. I am taking huge steps to take better care of myself, with results that are clear and obvious. I am truly a lucky lucky person.

So how come I feel like crap?

There is another sitch going on, that really I've removed myself from but it still stings. I'm trying to move the hell beyond it, but how much can I really do about it? How come that being the sane, rational reasonable person only ever gets me a shot in the gut? Isn't being logical about dealing with life supposed to help ensure that you stay on an even keel, or at least average being on an even keel?

And then...

Next weekend I'm going to a Ren Faire with K and her Person Of Interest. Who is also a good friend of mine.

Great, me and a couple. that's just fabulous and will no doubt be great for my general outlook on life. Of course Steve and Austin might come, which'd be great...

So then it's me, a couple, and two gay men. Because really, gay men is who I attract.

Wait, here that sound? Yeah, that's my self-worth whooshing away. Look, I get that no one can be happy all the time, and I get that I need to be patient, and that yes I'm going to get burned on various things, because really this is life and if you're not getting hurt or feeling like crap from time to time you're doing something very very wrong. But really? When your 14-year old student asks why you're not married yet, and all you can think is "well it's because I haven't been on a date in about 2 years, cause obviously I'm not that valued" it tends to put a crimp in your new found optimism.

Being optimistic is HARD. And last weekend I realized that the one person whom I felt proved that there were some really good men out there, had lied through his teeth to me. Yeah, so not so much with the feeling optimistic about things. Even K had to admit that I had every right to just feel like crap.

So, here we are again. *sighs*

So tomorrow I'll get up, clean my room, grade papers, and try to pull together the energy to face another week at work, and another weekend going out and being social when it's really hard to see the point of any of it. And I'll hang out with my friends, knowing that I'm the only one who goes home at the end of it to my cat and a book and not much else. And I'll smile and tell people yeah, I know when they tell me that really it's just a matter of time. And I'll know that in the end they don't know that, they're just saying it because it's What You Say, and That's What's Done. And I'll curl up and go to sleep knowing that I've done what I can and just have to accept what's left, and that when I get up it'll be another day of going through the motions. Cause really, all I got left is Force Of Habit.

I'm gonna go listen to some music and read. And deal.

Because dealing is Habit too.