Growling Part II: Comprehension Dawns

Yeah. Call me today. Listen to my voice. Sometime overnight I went from a mid-range Alto to a full on baritone. And while part of me revels in the general sexiness of having a voice so low that I sound like a muted tuba the other part of me is desperately hoping that this is just allergies brought on by massive dust etc. Because I am subbing for the last half of this week and the first half of next. Bad timing to get sick my friends...BAD timing.

So instead I am sitting here with a mug of "I Love Lemon" herbal tea doused liberally with honey from the honey bear.

Incidentally, this does actually explain the feeling of unease I had last night. Nice to have things explained at least!

West Wing marathon today - I'm hoping to finally see "Two Cathedrals" tonight at 9.

Grrrrrrr

I am growling. Not a cute growl. Hackles raised, teeth barred full on growling. Mostly metaphorically, but only because I also am coughing like crazy and coughing and growling together just doesn't work. Problem is I'm not sure why. Something is going on here - and damned if I can figure it out. Barring any psychic episodes (I'm as psychic as your average paperclip) I can only imagine that I have, indeed, finally gone off ye olde deepe ende.

Great. More as events warrant.

No Explanations

This is rough. I don't know from whence it came. I really don't. But I sat down at my computer, talking to Lady Vader and in between commiserating this poured out. My fingers went on their own, I can't tell you why.

If you want to comment on this one go ahead. I'd welcome psycho-analysis 'cause I'm at a loss.

She wakes up and goes to the mirror, half asleep reaching for the toothbrush with the habit of years. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she rummages in the wooden box on the side of the sink, pulling out a hair elastic. Her sleep tossed mane of hair is efficiently and ruthlessly pulled back from her face, allowing her to brush unobstructed. Applying the toothbrush to her mouth with the same single-minded ferociousness earlier seen with her hair, she seems to almost avoid glancing into the looking glass too long…the anti-Alice.

Rinsing, and then ripping out the elastic, dark hair comes tumbling, falling to rest below her shoulders. Sexily tousled, if she was someone else she supposes. She wonders what others see, a critical, almost scientific eye is turned to the mirror.

Dark hair, listed as black on her license, spills over into her face. Layered, the sun hits her head with an angle betraying her true color – not dyed; the locks are actually a deep brown with natural red and gold highlights, a secret color not seen by most. Wild from a night tossing and turning, for her inner turmoil manifests in nighttime activity – REM doing what she can’t (won’t?) do in life, the thick, silky tresses swirl around her eyes, relishing the freedom from the restrictive elastic, a rare opportunity to be wild and free.

Turning her attention straight on, she is met by dark brown eyes. Nothing overly special, just the usual chocolate color found on so many. Eyelashes, much like her hair, long, dark and thick outline the colored lenses. A romantic would say you could lose yourself in those pools of cocoa, but they are what they are not extraordinary nothing to be surprised at. Save, perhaps, in quiet moments when a careful observer can see the walls let down and the depth that lies beneath. Reflective and quiet, it’s easy to see how a smile can be seen in those orbs without ever glancing at the lips, or how deep sadness can permeate. Eyes are, after all, the window into the soul...the effect diminished by the bags that seem to have taken up permanent residence underneath. Sleep deprivation, hard work, poor eating habits…who knows. But they are there, as her mother so fondly points out at every opportunity.

Her skin, a creamy mocha color, mostly even toned, thank heavens for small favors. Full eyebrows, maybe she should shape those but it seems petty to her. A brush across her upper lip reminds her to pick up wax on her way home tonight. A nose that fits, the most anyone can ask for perhaps. Normal lips. A face not bad…perhaps slightly exotic to the average “white devil.” A little rounder than she would wish. Teeth, exposed to 18 months of orthodontia and then left without the retainers in the intervening eight years give an effect of straight but not so perfect as to be annoying. She’s been told she has a beautiful smile, which appears now in a small form as she remembers fondly the first person to tell her so at age 10. It has stayed with her. A hand comes up runs through her hair again, another feature often complimented though she takes that with more salt.

Nothing to be called sexy, not a face that is hit on often, or at all. But not one that is turned away from. Ordinary. Simple. She could enhance with make-up, but never really has put in the effort save a light coat of lipstick from time to time.

A soft sigh escapes her lips, the only indication that her walls were ever down. Imperceptibly, there is a shift. Her hands come up and pull her hair up in a tighter fashion less carelessly then before, a force of habit years old. She quietly pads into the bathroom and starts the shower, the mirror and it’s momentary weakness forgotten, the mask firmly back in place, she readies herself to face the world, the wild abandon inside silenced until sleep comes again at night. She steps into the shower, ready to wash sleep and the night off the rest of her body.

Signs and Wonders

Right...apparently deciding I'm not going to pick up on the subtle stuff, I've been metaphorically smashed over the head with a 2 x 4. I probably needed...no I definately needed it.

Maybe I'm finally learning. About fucking time as they say...

The FCC Song - Eric Idle

Awesome lines...
So fuck you, dickhead Mr. Cheney, too -
Fuck you and fuck everything you do.
Your pacemaker must be a fake - you haven't got a heart

And as for Condoleezza, she's an intellectual tart

You know what? The whole damn thing is hilarious. I'm pasting the lyrics for the entire song. If you all know what's good for you you'll go listen to the full song here, or click on the title of the post.

Here's a little number I wrote the other day while out duck-hunting with a judge:

Fuck you very much, the FCC,
Fuck you very much for fining me.
Five thousand bucks a "fuck"
So I'm really out of luck -
That's more than Heidi Fleiss was charging me.

So fuck you very much, the FCC,
For proving that free speech just isn't free.
Clear Channel's a dear channel,
So Howard Stern must go.
Attorney Gen'ral Ashcroft doesn't like strong words and so
He's charging twice as much as all the drugs for Rush Limbaugh.
So fuck you all so very much.

So fuck you very much, dear Mr. Bush,
For heroically sitting on your tush.
For Halliburton, Enron, all the companies who fail -
Let's send them a clear signal and stick Martha straight in jail.
She's an uppity rich bitch - and at least she isn't male.
So fuck you all so very much.

So fuck you, dickhead Mr. Cheney, too -
Fuck you and fuck everything you do.
Your pacemaker must be a fake - you haven't got a heart.
As far as I'm concerned you're just a pasty-faced old fart.
And as for Condoleezza, she's an intellectual tart.
So fuck you all so very much.

So fuck you very much, the EPA,
For giving all Alaska's oil away.
It really is a bummer
When I can't fill my hummer.
The ozone's a no-go zone now that Arnold's here to say,
"Ze Nuclear Winter Games are going to take place in LA."
So fuck you all so very much.

So what - the planet fails?
Let's save the great white males!
And fuck you all so very much.

God bless Monty Python...supposedly if this thing was to air it would cost a quarter million dollars. According to Eric Idle. He'd also probably be held under the PATRIOT ACT...or at the least be ridden out of town on a rail.

Bless Free Speech!

Be Careful What You Ask For

Ok, it turns out the problem with asking the Universe for a sign regarding what you should do next? Sometimes the Universe doesn't give you the answer you want it to. Sheesh.

On duty. Bored out of my mind. Another 3 hours before I'm free. I get 24 hours off, and then I'm back on for another 12. Seriously...anyone up for causing major michief? I have 24 hours...I will be willing to do almost anything up to and including getting on a plane for a few hours and then coming back. I swear.

I really will do anything to avoid packing...

Abandon Every Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

I've passed through the gates. I've been lurking for years. I almost went through once before, but I saved myself at the last minute. I had one foot through the door and then I got out before I stepped through.

That was my last pass. This time I'm through the damn door. And that is the end. Yes ladies and gentleman...

I've gotten a real job. I'm stepping through the doors into adulthood. And that, my friends, is going to be an interesting.

In the past 24 hours I've gone apartment hunting (whee!) and gotten clubbed over the head with curriculum.

*eep*

Well, deep breath, and here goes nothing. I got a good feeling and you know what? That's the best feeling I've had in ages! :)

Ready, willing, and able to corrupt...I mean educate (I have GOT to stop making that mistake) the youth of America.

*evil laugh*

Biological Molecules

I tried to only pick one of these...but the truth is that there were a couple questions where there really wasn't one answer I liked more than the other...and these same questions turned out to be weirdly deterministic...so I'm posting them all.

Hey now, no need to call me indecisive...I'm a Gemini... It's my thing, it's my nature to be dualistic. Really. I swear...


You are DNA. You're a smart person, and you appear
incredibly complex to people who don't know
you. You're incomparably full of information,
and most of it is useless.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are a lipid. You know whom you like and whom
you hate, and you like hanging out with people
who think like you do. People who disagree with
you annoy you to no end. You either love
Abercrombie and Fitch or you despise it, but
there's no middle ground. You're polar.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

So I'm DNA or Fat. I think I like DNA better...

Hell's Librarian

You are smart and sexy!

Whew!

Ok...done for today at least! After wrestling with this a little bit, I got something done. I'm still not 100% happy with. The font looks too large, and thanks to the fact that the "Archive" and "Recent Posts" turned out to be graphics (stored on the blogger space) instead of actual fonts means that things still look a little incongrous.

It's a start. I'll work on more at a later date... :)

TWOC - An Update

Coding is a bitch. I have wanted to strangle something for the last 2 hours.

And that's all I have to say about that.

The Winds of Change

I am changing my template.

This, you understand, has nothing to do with not liking my current template, though I will admit the color scheme is getting to me.

Nope, this is a change that is being driven by reason. The current graphics are being hosted by e. He is going away. His webspace is going away. Ergo, I must do something. I will, hopefully, have my own webspace in a few months, but there is still an overlap. I found a template which is just lovely and that I like more than my current one.

Unfortunately, it ALSO has graphics.

Grr.

So, I think I'm going to use a generic blogger template. Which would be fine except I've spent so much time fiddling with the one I'm using now, that I'm a little afraid to switch over lest I cause dramatic problems.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?

Here goes nothing...

Sleeping Demons, Singing Angels

Today is a beautiful day.

And I'm not talking about the weather.

I woke up relatively early, read in bed for awhile, a luxury I don't often indulge in I might add. Got up, got ready, met my advisor and did some official errands etc. Picked up lunch at the cafe in Wilbur Cross - which has some amazing stuff I might add. Signed some paperwork etc. Walked around a bit.

I really had forgotten the calm beauty of Storrs when the students are mostly all gone. It's as if the town/campus reaches a sense of inner peace that just pervades the environment. And it has it's effect on those who are still here.

It comes to me now that the majority of my unease has probably been a type of withdrawal...adreneline detox perhaps? For the first time in about 6 years I don't have anything that I am rushing to get done, no major life crisis that needs to be dealt with. I'm hopeful and seeing a bright future, with no immediate clouds hanging over my head. For the first time since I started grad school I have an honest to god break...nothing looming. Sure there are things I need to do - but they are things that I want to do, which puts them in an entirely different context really.

So the plan for today. Enjoy lunch. Read the latest Mary Russell-Holmes adventure/mystery. Write thank-you notes. Have dinner with an old friend. In short, enjoy my life as a young woman in her mid-20's with the world out there to explore.

Any demons I might play host to are out or sleeping. My better angels are singing softly. And the pervasivness of the soft and gentle atmostphere of a university stretching and enjoying it's time off is exerting itself to my very soul.

Today is a beautiful day.

Stop the world - I want to get off!


The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Whoever wrote that piece of drivel needs to be shot. I don't care if it's occasionally true. I don't even care that I am beginning to have a very odd sense of deja vu over events in my life. That is entirely immaterial.

Ugh. Pardon our mess. We are renovating in order to better serve your needs.

Things are going well for the most part it seems - I have a job, one for summer and one for "real". I have friends. I have a new license. I'm strongly in my mid-20's with everything in the world to look forward to.

Bridget Jones: It is a truth universally acknowledged that as soon as one part of your life starts looking up, another part falls to pieces.

I promised myself years ago that I was done with drama. What a fool I am. It's time to admit it girl - you can complain that drama finds you no matter what, but in the end except the responsibility...it's your own damn fault. The decisions you make put you smack dab in the middle of it. Oy.

At this point, everyone, I am sure, is thoroughly confused. And I suspect that even those who think they know what I'm talking about don't actually know.

Why is that, you might ask?

Simple...I am so deeply in my own head at the moment that I'm not sure that even I know what I'm bloody well talking about.

I know better than to go for a walk in my head without a compass, a map, and a big torch (flashlight to the Americans amongst you). A couple of flares wouldn't hurt either.

I think the library needs to be paid a visit to. That would help. Maybe I can find something to distract my head. Sheesh.

I am around quite a bit - so if you're free give us a call. We'd be happy to chill.

Where Have All the Buttercups Gone


I am finally bowing to pressure from both online and offline sources to update this blog. All I can say is this - I warned everyone that if I set up a blog it would be updated infrequently. Such is my life.

Of course now I have far more free time on my hands...I've in the past month graduated (with not one but TWO masters degrees), gotten a job (poor students...their minds are mine!) and tomorrow will begin my 24th year.

*whew*

And that's the readers digest version. Yikes.

I did notice something the other day - all this graduating and transitioning into the "real" world has got me on one hell of a nostalgia kick - and I noticed that I hadn't seen or held a buttercup in my hands since I can't remember when. Buttercups used to be so big a deal...I remember picking them in my yard when I was in elementary school, really loving what I was doing. And now...

But Anathema, what in the world made you think of buttercups now?!

And this is the fun part - I was channel surfing and caught a little bit of the start of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." And there was Willy Wonka...drinking out of a butter-cup. Heh. The punning in that movie is delicious. Literally. It's almost as good, and perhaps a good deal more subtle than the puns in the book "The Phantom Tollbooth."

Speaking of old childhood books, I found myself thrilled to see that they (Disney/ABC) were finally airing the movie version of "A Wrinkle in Time."

A little background - the Murray-O'Keefe books that Madeline L'Engle wrote were one of my favorites as a child. They were classics in the sense that in the mid-80's they were already a good 20+ years old. Now? We're looking at 40 years after the books were written my friend. And yet, in the most important ways, those books are truly timeless. These are books that I fully intend to purchase in hardcover as soon as possible.

I so desperately wanted the movie to be good...

A little more background. Another of L'Engle's books, "A Ring of Endless Light" was also made into a movie by Disney. I loved the book as a child as well, not as much as the other series, but still loved it.

The movie? SUCKED. I mean they took ALL the depth, all the subtly, everything that made the book a wonderful book...and they KILLED IT. The characters were all 2-D carictures lacking the wonderful richness that Madeleine L'Engle endowed them with.

So, I was naturally trepiditious when I saw that they were doing "Wrinkle" as well.

So the good news first - it was DEFINATELY better than the "Ring" adaptation.

Bad news - it could have been ever so much better. L'Engle is quoted in an article as saying that the movie was what she expected - she expected it to be bad and it was. One of the Television Without Pity authors said that when he first read that he thought that she was just being bitter about something she'd written 40 years ago. Nope, she was on target.

A movie like this...the actors just didn't understand where it was coming from. The kid who played Charles Wallace came across and weird and creepy instead of quietly intelligent and arrogant. Calvin became a virtual non-character. Dr.Mr. Murray was not all that impressive. And Meg...oh god Meg...no braces, no glasses...what the hell? Mrs. Which, Mrs. Whatsit, and Mrs. Who - all lost something in the translation to the small screen. And for god's sake, who's idea was it to make Mr. Jensen nice?! The whole point in the first book is that he's a total ass! Come on now people! And while Fortinbras as a German Shepard instead of a Black Lab I can let go...Dr. Mrs. Murray didn't give the same incredible feeling of a woman who knew her husband was ok. And what was with the private investigator bit? People please! That's not the point...

And they really made the Charles Wallace's kything ability seem like some sort of weird telepathy. It's NOT telepathy - it's something far deeper. Kything is what was supposed to make it ok for him to talk to Calvin in the end - that was handled pretty poorly to start off with.

*sighs*

They did a great job with the first 2 Harry Potter movies...so would it have been that hard to make a little more effort with this flick?

One good point though? Calvin, played by Gregory Smith (aka Everwood's Ephram) is hot hot hot. So that was ok then.

I think this is long enough to satisfy my critics...at least for another couple days. And...I'm out!

Meloncholy Moods

Feeling a bit lost and pathetic ~ not sure what I want, not particularly happy, but I can't pinpoint what I need to change. I have a disturbing feeling that what I need to change is me. There's an old quote, I'm too lazy to google the original author right now, that feels appropriate. Sheryl Crow did use it in a song a couple years ago (Soak Up the Sun for those keeping track). The basic gist is - happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.

Is it that simple? Or that hard really. If I simply accept my life as it is will that be enough to make me happy? Do I need to make a change? In myself or in what I am doing?

I can't decide if I want to fast forward things by 4 months, or rewind them by 6. Or more. Maybe if I go back far enough, I can make that one change...I even think I know what the change would be, that would alter the outcome. Of course the problem with thinking like this is I totally lose control and start seeing the interdependence of things. No linear time line changes for me, oh no. I change one thing and I change them all, don't I?

Why do I only get meta at weird hours of the morning? It's a rhetorical question I suppose, something I'm throwing out into the void...good night dear void.

Query that I once posed...when you look out into the abyss, have you ever considered that the abyss looks back into you?

Goodnight abyss. Goodnight void.

OK, so it's been a while...


And to be honest there isn't much I can say. Rather, I'm working on overload here. So much happening, so many events that triggered a strong association or memory with me. I just don't have time to write about them all.

I was in the bathroom at the co-op today, and a lady was there with her two young daughters. I waited for them to pick stalls, and the woman admonished her girls to "let the lady go first, she has to get to work."

*eep*

Yes, I was dressed in a suit (had an interview today) but "lady?" "work?" I AM NOT READY FOR THIS!

We all try to grow up so fast...bah humbug. Youth is wasted on the young...and technically I'm still young. I think.

Ok, so here's the real deal - I was getting ready this morning, spending time with my hair instead of my usual routine (be nice to the hair and hope it behaves) when I saw it. A gray hair. I found it last year, so really i shouldn't be worried, right?

This was a new one. Truly I seem to discover these within months of my birthday. I shudder to think how many more of these are around...I'm too young to be going gray. Darn heredity. I'd like to look my age for a few years here!

It sucks. Grey hair on men is distinguished. Once again, women get shafted. Grrr. To be honest if it's gonna go grey, I'd rather it was a small strip, so I had a uniform grey streak (a la Scott Bakula circa Quantum Leap). That, on the backdrop of my much darker natural color(s) would be kinda cool. Salt and pepper, not so much.

Not much I can do I suppose - I'm not ready to start dying it - if it's gonna go grey I'd like to at least keep it a healthy grey!

Off to do other things...ttfn!

Vienna ~ Billy Joel

Thanks to BF for this one. For obvious reasons, it pretty much sums it up.

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Let It Be ~ The Beatles

Been listening to this a lot today...not sure why but it's really really resonating...


When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Ah let it be, yeah let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music,
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Yeah let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah let it be
Oh there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah let it be
Oh there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Ah let it be, yeah let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Cheetos (TM) and Assorted Tales of Scalded Toes

The nap never materialized. Neither did the going to bed early. Not suprising. Been in a super mellow mood, it's nice. Enjoyable, spent some time putting together a mellow mix cd. I went from having too few to being WAY over the limit in no time flat. Thanks to the PianoMan for providing lots of song suggestions. And for providing the impetus for the later drive to Store 24.

Heh. So after finally putting together the cd the way I wanted to, I ended up driving down to Store 24 to get a copy of Glamour so that I could read it while soaking in a Strawberries and Champagne scented bath. Keeping in mind I'd first scrubbed the whole bathroom clean. And that it was about 10:45pm at this point. PianoMan and his roommate are up working on a project, so I offered to pick up junk food of some sort. I am a firm believer in snacking while studying. Well, I wasn't but I seem to do it anyway, so you know...

End up in getting the magazine and feeling guilty about reading a women's magazine...so I got a copy of scientific american while I was at it. It's professional development. Really.

I'm pathetic. Whatever. I have accepted this. Wait til I regale you with tales of my OCD-traits.

So, after confusing the heck out of people in front of PianoMan's residence hall I was on my way. Filled up the tub with my customary hot water and the bubbley stuff and slipped in with my mix cd playing and a copy of glamour. To make a long and involved story short, I managed to scald my toes, and almost sweated myself to death.

It was bliss.

I look like a lobster and probably have 3rd degree burns...but I forcibly relaxed every muscle in my body. :-) It was needed.

But I should go to bed at some point...let me know if you want the playlist for the CD - it's pretty cool.

Sleep well people.