Rage.

Today has been the worst day I've had in months. I mean that truly - it really would have had to have worked hard to get worse. I don't particularly want to discuss it - but I can say that tonight I wanted to do something truly self-destructive. I wanted to go 100mph on a steep curvey road. I wanted to drink myself sick. What I really wanted to do was destroy something beautiful. Take it and just lay waste to it, smash it to unrecognizable chunks and then go back for more. Don't know what I wanted to destroy precisely, but if I had seen it I would have known.

Called a friend in tears, pretended everything was ok. Bless his heart he didn't believe a word of it but was content to let me be. He helped. Too bad things got worse later.

So that's been my day. I handle rage well.

I don't want to go to sleep. I've been having nightmares again. Hello insomnia. Made the next bit all the more timely.

Stumbled across this while trying to figure out what the hell I have for mp3s. It was thoroughly unlabeled, and in a cappella version, which means I had to try and decipher lyrics through vocal perc. The song turned out to be "Insomniac" originally done by Billy Pilgrim, which I promptly downloaded. The version I have I think is by the Virginia Gentlemen. Whatever. It's a beautiful song. Lyrics posted below for your pleasure.

Insomniac
Billy Pilgrim
I can see you, don't even know you
Falling into the sheets at night
I place my hands flat on my chest
I feel the heart beat back the night
I try counting sheep, and I talk to the shepherd
And I play with my pillow for ever and ever
I sit alone and I watch the clock
I breathe in on the tick and out on the tock

Refrain:
I can hear your bare feet on the kitchen floor
I don't have to have these dreams no more
Cause I've found someone just to hold me tight
Hold the insomniac all night

Dig my head down deep so I can't hear the cars outside on the street
And the stars are laughing
They get a kick out of my misery
I tried everything short of Aristotle to Dramamine
And the whiskey bottle
Pray for the day when my ship comes in
I can sleep the sleep of the just again

Refrain
Instrumental
Refrain