Odds and Ends

To address the obvious, yeah I changed the template. Anyone who's been reading this over the last 18mos realized I do this with alarming regularity, and saw this coming. It's not quite done yet, but the basic stuff is all set.

If you didn't watch tonight's series premier of The Inside you should check it out at your earliest convenience. Besides being a show to watch in the summer when everything else is in re-runs or frightenly stupid, this seems like a fantastic show. It's on Fox, but think more Fox that used to show The X-Files, less Temptation Island Fox. In other words, the show looks creepy in all the right ways. It's out of LA, following a gorup of FBI agents, the female lead is a Profiler, who was kidnapped at the age of 10 and held captive for 18mos before she escaped...I could try to explain more but really I can't do it justice. Tune in next week, it's worth an hour of your time I think.

Line of the night? "Freeze! Federal Agent!" *Agent fires shot, killing the serial killer instantly* "Let her go!" *pause* "Damn, I always do that in the wrong order." A line delivered in perfect deadpan by the fabulous Peter Coyote. And it inserted just a tinge of humour in an otherwise completely humourless scene. Well done!

So there you go...the update for the day.

Comments? Questions? Concerns? Click the pretty little button!

Another one

I've just been all sorts of mushy this weekend...how bizarre.


cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Like a Seven-year Old Girl With Two Skinned Knees...

Let's make one thing clear. I do not cry at movies. Not even a bit. Okay, I get a little misty while watching the part in A League of Their Own when the husband comes home from the war, but come on you're supposed to feel a little choked up there.

So explain to me why I was crying over this movie?!

Yes, that link is correct. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I was crying.

Clearly, something in my psychological self is seriously f$%#@* up. There is no other excuse.

I mean it was a cute movie, Karen and I went to see it and we both enjoyed it much. Sweet, and intelligent something that is often missing in movies for teen girls. And beyond that it was a good story. But I wasn't even crying over the little girl dying of leukemia. No I was crying with the girl and her dad parts. And I don't mean teary eyed. I mean tears running down my face as if there was no tomorrow.

*disgusted snort*

Like I said, obviously something wrong with me. So, having proven that I'm a total sap, I'm going to go do something less girly. Like knitting.

Don't laugh. Two pointy sticks can do a lot of damage. I'm serious.

I'm sooo not the person I thought I was...

Damnit these things are addictive...

The first one - dude cool...

Raver Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


OK - this one? I don't know...can someone who knows me really well give some input on this sucker...I question this...sorta. I don't know...


You like the sweet, shy type.


What kind of guy are you most attracted to? (CUTE anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


Dude there is a Which Stargate Character are you quiz...I came out dead heat between Jack O'Neil and Daniel Jackson the first time I took it. Second time I came out as Daniel Jackson (70%) and Jack (60%), Teal'c (60%) and Sam (55%). Which makes sense, except maybe I'm more Sam than Teal'c. And despite being polar opposites I am comfortably both Jack-ish and Daniel-ish. That whole Gemini duality thing again... :)

*quietly drowns in own drool*

Whoo hoo!

Ok, it could have been Anakin, or Luke or Han (and it nearly was) but I ended up with the smart AND hot dude. No complaints people - no complaints. That Yoda came in second was mildly odd...but I guess when you rank intelligence highly there's little else to expect.

You scored as Obi-Wan. You picked Obi-Wan. He is a very loyal companion who always is willing to help. He can teach you new things becuase he is used to having a padawan. But dont let this fool you, he can be compassionate yet very strong physically. Obi-Wan 89% Yoda 78% Han Solo 56% Anakin 56% Luke Skywalker 56% Chewie 44% Who Is your Star Wars loverrr? (for girls) created with QuizFarm.com

She's done gone and gotten herself into it now

*sighs* Well isn't this fascinating. It has been brought to my attention by various parties things that are once again being said about me...granted this is better than what happened 3 years ago (Summer/Fall 2002 for those keeping track at home). At that point I was being unjustly bitched about (and good lord do I mean unjustly) by NAME. And really with a name like mine, it's really hard to get confused. At least this time I get it. It's still not just - but I understand where it's coming from better. Or I'm just more removed from it and not hurting like hell. *shrugs*

Still, being involved in other people's drama is...who am I kidding? It's far better than being in the thick of it. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that rather selfishly I'm pleased to be on the outside. This again is because, much like TNT, I "know drama." Heh.

Having said that let me say one or two quick things: irony. Sarcasm. People please, if you don't know me and are going to be reading this sucker? For god's sake please realize that I am a sarcastic person. If I post passive-aggressively about hating passive aggressiveness...I'm doing it deliberately. Something which I mentioned in said post...I really thought I was clear about that. I'd post comments to those who seemed annoyed with it, but...eh. I prefer the happy go-lucky comments thing. Defending myself person by person is tiring and not really worth it. Plus...in my profession you gotta learn to be clandestinely disliked. Part of the territory.

And in all fairness I was beyond pissed off and needed to vent. I got hurt with that backstabbing blogging thing 3 years ago. I don't like it. At all. This was a good place to get the venting out. And, as the warning on the bottom of the page says, if you don't like it don't let the URL hit ya on the way out. But hey that's me.

And now, some personal notes:
Kelly - get my email from Lady Vader - I responded to your comment but figured you were more likely to see a main post. You seem a nice and amusing individual who I'd love to find out more about. Plus I'm going to be needing amusing anecdotes that I can later embarass the girl with. Because that's what roommates do. *grins*

Lady Vader - Don't worry. Nothing she's got on you can match what I've got on the current roommate. You've never done half the stuff that boy has!

Ehren - Give me a call will you? You're harder to pin down than a teenage boy with ADHD. And trust me...I know that.

Leila - Since you'll most likely see this (and him) first - can you convince him to track me down please?

Okay kids I'm off to the races...have a super fun evening!

Stitch 'N Bitch

I have a new book...and it is good. I used part of Geroge's birthday present to me to buy Stitch 'N Bitch The Knitter's Handbook because it's the sort of things I've wanted for awhile but could never justify buying myself. I am pleased...but can not for the life of me get the rib knit stitch correct...which is annoying because without that I can not make the "ribbed for her pleasure" scarf, nor the "Windy City Scarf" nor the really cute sweater that I'd like to make as a gift. Grrr and argh. Indeed.

On the other hand, the book is hilarious and informative and I think I can make my students really really nervous by bringing sharp objects with me to the final. ROCK ON!

I really have nothing that exciting to post, except the desire to write. There's some not-ready-for-internet stuff going on, but those who desperately need to know have been informed already.

I need to pull my contacts and go attack this rib stitch thing again...

But mommy, I don't WANT to go to school tomorrow...

(Maybe those two cans of diet coke were a bad idea...I think I'm going to regret that caffine fix!)

The Most Fun I've Had in Ages

OK - So last night we went out to dinner and then out dancing as a fun birthday thing.

Un-fucking-believable. I felt charmed. First of all, L. bought me my outfit as a birthday present and I looked hot. I never say that. But I truly felt incredibly smoking attractive, so cool. Also my hair wanted to look good, so bonus on that. It was a big group of us - L and her husband D, Steve-o, G the current roomie, K the roomie-to-be, J a friend of L's, M a fellow survivor of TCPCG hell, and Steve-o's bf (he was only there for dinner).

Check out Lady Vader's blog for a few amusing quotations, but know that the night was just hialrity personified. It rocked. M. and I danced quite a bit, which I feel guilty for cause I sorta bullied him into it, and he had hurt his knee earlier...but oh well!

Ok my dinner guest is here so I gotta run - but will post more later.

I AM ANGRY

...and I can't even post why. ARGH. So instead you all (if any of you are reading this - I suspect my month-and-a-half disappearing act has led to a lack of readership) are going to have to talk to me personally about this new irate state.

What I can do is explain some things. So here it goes.

Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows this about me: I abhor passive aggressive manipulations. You have a problem with me? Tell me to my face. Things not to do include:

1. Write about me in your blog. Seriously. Variations on this theme include using my name outright, or even worse, using identifying details that make it impossible with anyone with even a 1/4 of a brain [resists urge to slander those who do this] to figure out precisely who I am. I'd like to send a big FUCK YOU to those people out there. Why? Because we are not in junior high school, sending slam books around. Incidentally, I'm not talking about the "A and I hung out today and you won't believe the hilarious thing that happened" variety of comment. I'm talking about the "I hate A, she hurt me so badly" or the "she is ruining my relationship" garbage. Kids, please. If you don't say it to me, don't say it at all. Simple. Also, if you don't know me (and trust me the people who have pulled this trick don't) don't presume to know my personality or my intentions. Seriously, who do you think you are?


2. Pet peeve #2: Calling multiple times trying to get me in the middle of your relationship drama when I don't know you. I'm sorry that isn't going to happen. Ever.
   


3. Pet peeve #3: Calling me multiple times telling me that if I continue to live my life, I'm harming yours. GROW UP.
4. Pet peeve #4: Calling me on my birthday, not identifying yourself, telling me that I need to do or not do something. You have no control over me, and trying to pigeon hole me like that? Leads to a pissed off Anathema. Please remember I have a temper that I keep in check. Think long fuse followed by nuclear blast.

[Editor's Note: Yes I realize the above could be construed as a passive aggressive form. I'm being a good mix of sarcastic and ironic. It's part of me. Live with it.]


5. Pet peeve #5: Do all of the above within a one week span. Seriously, quit it. Also remember one thing - I've been in a quasi-stalking situation before. I was very unsure then. Now? I have no problem hanging up the phone on any one person, and picking it up again to call the cops.

OK - I feel much better now. Just need to clean up the apartment as I will have guests over tonight as we go out to celebrate my first quarter-century. And I will pray that the girly thing that I really wish would hold out another 24-hours doesn't happen today, thereby ruining my fun time. :-D

Later!

Oops.

I didn't mean to let a month and a half go by without posting. Really. It just sorta happened. Mike's funeral sorta put the kibosh on posting for awhile, and then there were other things. Like work, and personal stuff.

There's a ton going on and so much I want to talk about - Mike, Star Wars Episode III, School, the fact that today is my 25th birthday (at least it will be for about another 2 minutes) and all that entails. But alas, that is not to be. For now I shall instead sleep the sleep of the just. Also the sleep of someone who has a $50 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble and is having a very hard time not going to bn.com and clicking like a woman possessed.

But otherwise, I'm back.

G'night!

I can't even come up with a title for this one, and I don't think I want to.

Tomorrow, in less than 24 hours, I am going to my first funeral. I'm going to watch them bury a kind, sweet, intelligent, wonderful man.

His name is was Mike. He was 22.

He and I had some amazing conversations over the 18months that I knew him. He gave me a swift kick in the ass when I needed it, and commiserated as both of us tried to figure out what to do with our lives. He told me he admired me, and I told him that coming from him that was a compliment of the highest order.

I meant it to.

I have so much to say about him, and so much to just say in general, but it'll have to wait until after tomorrow.

The only reason I'm leaving the earlier post up is as a reminder to myself...a reminder that stupid shit like that is just that - stupid shit.

I...the rest is going to have to wait.

Damnit.

In Which the Author Pens an Open Letter to the Universe

Dear Sir or Madam:

It has come to my attention that as of late you have chosen to indulge in activities some might term as being "mind games." While I respect your free will to do what you wish, might I ask that you please remove me from your test group?

I appreciate that I have hardly suffered relative to the millions of others, and that I am hardly in a position to make demands. Still, I must respectfully ask that you cease and desist.

I understand the value of going through times where feeling uncomfortable and like a waste of space are the norm. How else can I be expected to appreciate the beauty of times that are not like that? I appreciate the value of occasional depression, or even an extended period of such times. I value the need to see the dark so that the light is understood.

But really, this latest trick? That was low. And dear Sir or Madam I must insist you halt your activities immediately.

Showing the first bit of metaphorical spring after a long metaphorical winter, only to snatch away the warmth through some ill-timed computer trickery? Indeed, surely that behavior is beneath you and your kin. Shame on you, shame on you for showing compassion only to take it away with a Nelson-esque "Ha Ha!"

In closing, cut it out. I am doing well for the first time in quite some time and I have no intention of playing your little game.

Regards,

Anathema.

An Amusing Exchange from January

Scene: At Coach's before the Jon Stewart Show
Cast: Me, Leila, Ehren, Lindsay & Husband, Lauren & Husband

Ehren: Oh man, you've never seen this girl [me] eat ice cream.
Me: Ehren, shut up.
Lindsay: I've eaten ice cream around you before...
Me: Not an ice cream cone. Ehren, stop talking...
Ehren: She eats ice cream like...well she eats ice cream the way most girls give blow jobs.
Me: Ehren, shut up! I work with these people!
Ehren: You said they were your friends.
Lindsay: At this point, I bet she's hoping we are...

Mental note - keep Ehren away from alcohol AND my co-workers...

Yes I realize

that this has gotten a bit dark lately...but so has my mind so I'm afraid you will have to bear with me.

I realized, somewhat suddenly, that I have lost the lightness that I enjoyed about myself, and that I need to get it back. Of course, more troubling, is that I didn't lose it, rather I had been faking it for the last...well let's just say a really long time, and that I'm just losing the masking ability.

I was lightly flirting with someone tonight. I was watching TV and saw a perfectly done romantic scene - it was what I define as perfect. Not cheesy, not what most would call romantic, just sweet and loving and precisely what I find missing.

The flirting helped...

This is disjointed and will likely remain so, as I am tired and have been awake too many hours. Regardless, should anyone want details give me a call please. Otherwise, we'll chat whenever.

Dorothy Parker

A Dream Lies Dead

A dream lies dead here. May you softly go
Before this place, and turn away your eyes,
Nor seek to know the look of that which dies
Importuning Life for life. Walk not in woe,
But, for a little, let your step be slow.
And, of your mercy, be not sweetly wise
With words of hope and Spring and tenderer skies.
A dream lies dead; and this all mourners know:

Whenever one drifted petal leaves the tree-
Though white of bloom as it had been before
And proudly waitful of fecundity-
One little loveliness can be no more;
And so must Beauty bow her imperfect head
Because a dream has joined the wistful dead!

I Give Up

It's Friday again, and here I am doing my usual Friday night routine.

I've had it. I'm out of options, I'm out of ideas.

I've tried being depressed, and that's not helping. I've tried laughing it off...hell I joke about it to my students. But you know what? It's stopped being funny.

$%*& this. $%*& this and everything that makes me feel like this. I won't even put up the list because it's not worth the effort. I don't care about this #!^@ anymore.

So, I give up. The end. I'm done. I'm not dealing with this anymore. Numb? Sounds REALLY good right now.

A New Game to Play

*addendum - Yes this was originally posted on Feb. 22 - however I want ppl to keep playing, so please try. I'm going to keep putting this up at the top - Good luck!*

Alrighty, thanks again to Missy for this one. This is how it work - put your playlist on random, and the first 30 songs that come up, write down your favorite lyrics...then have people guess them, title and artist. As they guess them, strikeout the lyrics, and put the name of the person who figured it out, as well as title and artist, next to it in bold. Sounds simple right?

OK, I did cheat a bit - I ran random through my playlist and decided not to try to put in the exact first 30 songs that came up. For example, I didn't want to put you all through the few NKOTB I had downloaded a couple years ago under hte heading of nostalgia. Also, couldn't figure out the lyrics to the Moonlight Sonata...so these are the first 30 songs that I actually wanted to listen to at the time :)

Enjoy...

Oh, one last thing, No using Google or other search engines! See what you can get without using those tricks!

1. Ever since the world began it's been that way
   For woman and man were created
   To make love their destiny
   Then why should true love be so complicated? Oh
   I know something about love
   You gotta take it and
   Show him what the world is made of
   One kiss will prove it



2. Still there's not a show on my back
   Holes or a friendly intervention
   I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish
   A little bit Tower of Pisa
   Whenever I see ya
   So please be kind if I'm a mess Rufus Wainwright - Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk Guessed by Leila
   



3. And the stars are laughing
   They get a kick out of my misery
   I tried everything short of Aristotle to Dramamine
   And the whiskey bottle
   Pray for the day when my ship comes in
   I can sleep the sleep of the just again Billy Pilgrim - Insomniac Guessed by Ehren (more or less)
   



4. When the singer's gone let the song go on,
   It's a fine line between the darkness and the dawn.
   They say in the darkest night there's a light beyond
   But the ending always comes at last,
   Endings always come too fast,
   They come too fast
   But they pass too slow,
   I love you, and that's all I know.
   That's all I know, that's all I know.



5. Ay-yi-yi-yi
   Oops, Magellan
   Your fun little journey's
   Become a nightmare
   Whoopie ti-yi-yo
   Keep trying, Magellan
   You'll find the East Indies
   You just don't know where The Animaniacs - Ballad of Magellan Guessed by Rob-Who-I-Don't-Know-But-Has-Good-Taste-in-Cartoons
   



6. Whenever we kiss I get a feeling like this
   I get to wishing that there was two of you
   My heart crys out more baby
   I love you so much
   I wish that there was more of you to touch



7. I'll keep searching
   Deep within my soul
   For all the answers
   Don't wanna hurt no more
   I need peace, got to feel at ease
   Need to be.
   Free from pain - going insane
   My heart aches, yeah



8. Don't get your bollocks in a twist
   Settle down, don't take a fit
   Ya drank with demons straight form Hell
   They almost nearly won as well
   Ya wiped the floor with victory
   Then puked until you fell asleep Floggin' Molly - Salty Dog Guessed by Sam
   



9. You tried to make me doubt, to make me guess
   Tried to make me feel like a little less
   Oh I liked you when your soul was bared
   I thought you knew how to be scared
   And now it's amazing what you did to make me stay
   But truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going



10. Here we are.
    Foreign to their world.
    Straight and composed.
    Your sermons I can do without
    And I finally found
    That everybody loves to love you
    When you're far away.
    Blame us because we are who we are.
    Hate us because you'll never get that far.
    And who'd suppose you would go?
    I've already learned enough to know



11. Maybe it’s a sign of weakness
    When I don’t know what to say
    Maybe I just wouldn’t know
    What to do with my strength anyway
    Have we become a habit
    Do we distort the facts
    Now there’s no looking forward
    Now there’s no turning back



12. Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
    that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
    A special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
    But let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions
    Are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
    To be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.



13. Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
    Dying since the day they were born.
    Well, this is not that:
    I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.
    And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.
    You try to tell me that I'm clever,
    But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you. Lisa Loeb - Stay Guessed by Steve



14. Maybe I'm alive beneath the snow
    Maybe you're too petrified to know
    I can't believe that you would tell me lies
    How could I have missed that in those eyes
    Maybe if I only heard your voice
    I would understand you had no choice
    Though I'm glad it's clear for you to see
    I wish that you would make it make sense to me



15. In the shadows of tall buildings
    Of open arches endlessly kneeling
    Sonic landscapes echoing vistas
    Someone is listening from a safe distance
    The line moves slowly into a fading light
    A final moment in the dead of night Jump Little Children - Cathedrals Guessed by Steve



16. Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
    Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
    Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
    And I say it's all right The Beatles - Here Comes the Sun Guessed by Leila



17. I can't sit back and wonder why.
    It took so long for this to die.
    And I hate it when you fake it.
    You can't hide it you might as well embrace it.
    So believe me it's not easy.
    It seems that something's telling me



18. Well, I'm only hanging on for what goes down
    I'm floating high and my feet don't touch the ground
    I'd take advantage but I can't see through this charade
    So don't you, don't go make it harder than hell
    'Cause when it comes down to the making
    You better be damned sure you can take it



19. If drinkin' coffee's your idea of really cool
    You can't expect no crazy chick to notice you
    Just sittin there dreamin' Rufus Wainwright - Instant Pleasure Guessed by Leila



20. I don't want to have to pay for this
    I don't want another lover at my door
    It's just another heartache on my list
    I don't wanna be angry no more
    You're the one who could never stand for this
    So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure



21. You needed to still be friends
    Needed me to
    Call you if I ever couldn’t keep it all together you’d comfort me
    Tell me but forever
    And the promises I never should have believed in
    Here’s what I’m thinking
    It won’t be the first - heart that you break
    It won’t be the last - beautiful girl
    The one that you wrecked - won’t take you back
    If you were the last beautiful girl in the world Matchbox Twenty - Last Beautiful Girl Guessed by Lady Vader
    



22. Lost inside this angeltown
    Lost like I could not be found
    No connections of the heart
    Love was glass that broke apart
    Gimme faith in dreams
    And someone to hold
    Gimme love 'cause I'm out here in the cold
    There are no secrets
    No angels at my door Amanda Marshall - Fall From Grace Guessed by Lady Vader
    



23. If you think of me If you miss me once in awhile
    Then I'll return to you
    I'll return and fill that space in your heart
    Remembering
    Your touch
    Your kiss
    Your warm embrace
    I'll find my way back to you
    If you'll be waiting
    If you dream of me like I dream of you
    In a place that's warm and dark
    In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart



24. No matter where you wander you will never do as well
    Okay, the lobby's looking shabby and it's got the wrong address
    And the whole dang thing has been condemned by American Express
    Still the management is cheerful though the whole joint's gone to hell The Muppets - Happiness Hotel Guessed by Steve



25. Truthfully, I really can't explain, I'm floating, I'm smiling again.
    Truthfully, I can't ignore you, cause I've been waiting for you.
    Truthfully, I'm not desperate, I haven't changed my mind since we first met,
    But the last thing that I want to do is to tell you that I'm right for you.
    Truthfully, I -
    I'm finding finally.
    Truthfully, you -
    You helped me find at last.
    Truthfully, we -
    Are finding out what's true.
    And truthfully I am finding out what's you.



26. Slow down, you're doing fine
    You can't be everything you want to be
    Before your time
    Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
    Tonight...
    Too bad but it's the life you lead
    You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
    Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
    You can't always see when you're right. you're right Billy Joel - Vienna Guessed by Andy P.



27. Ain't it a shame
    That all the world can't enjoy your mad traditions
    Ain't it a shame that all the world
    Don't got keys to their own ignitions
    Life is the longest death in California Rufus Wainwright - California Guessed by Ehren (more or less)



28. Run this round in your head
    Like you don't know what's on the inside
    You don't know me too well
    You ain't seen my bad side
    Shame on me, shame on the things that I be
    If you could complicate me
    If you could get inside me
    Sometimes, you're the best time
    I've ever, ever known
    A pretty girl with a wicked smile on
    But I've cried for the last time
    Something just don't feel right Matchbox Twenty - You're So Real Guessed by Lady Vader



29. One more inch
    You son of a bitch
    Been a waste of my time
    Always
    Now you're half awake
    You bend till you break
    And make the same mistakes
    Always Guster - Happier Guessed by Steve



30. She said I tried to be but I'm not
    And could you please collect your things
    I don't wanna be cold
    I don't wanna be cruel
    But I gotta find more
    Than what's happening with you
    If you'd - open up the door
    She said - while you were sleeping
    I was listening to the radio
    And wondering what you're dreaming when
    It came to mind that I didn't care
    So I thought - hell if it's over
    I had better end it quick
    Or I could lose my nerve
    Are you listening - can you hear me
    Have you forgotten? Matchbox Twenty - Rest Stop Guessed by Lady Vader
    

Now use the comments box and go to work! Good luck!

This Just Keeps Getting Funnier...

The link above is like that stupid giraffe...it just keeps getting funnier every time I watch it, even though it probably isn't that funny to begin with.

Just click the link...it's worth it.

Yeah, more quizzes. What can I say?

Incidentally, I took the "which desperate housewife are you" quiz...and it turned out pretty predictably. I'm not even posting that because it's a wee bit depressing!

DON'T FORGET THE MUSIC GUESSING GAME BELOW


You are a spring. You are very mellow most of the
time except for the caffeine season (which is
year round) but you are also a very nice
person. When people tick you off though God
better save them. LOL You are a fairly
sociable person because people know you won't
get mad too easy or seem to. But you are a very
nice person over all. ^-^

What Season Best Fits You?
brought to you by Quizilla



Your a wind Dragon! Hey, you, the smartest dragon
of the branch. You love reading and writing,
but are quite shy. Your IQ is probably sky-high
and your stories can win trophies. Your not
very good in sports, or maybe you are, and just
not interested.. You are very wise, smart, and
kind.

What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ethereal Beauty

The Goddess of Night and Regret. You are a perfect
confidante. Always understanding and
solicitous, you could be a queen and you are
exceptionally honest. You are an intelligent
beauty.


Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!) NEW PICS!
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Hello, I Must Be Going

I've been debating hard core - do I keep this thing going or do I just shut it down. And I have been thinking about this for awhile. For the moment it's not going anywhere...but I can't speak for the future.

Everytime I go to put a post something makes me stop. For whatever reason, they really aren't that important I suppose. I was going to post on teh 1-year anniversary of this blog. I wanted to post after going to see Jon Stewart. But everytime there was a block.

Which brings me to the next point.

I need to thank some people, who helped me through a pretty rough patch. They know who they are and how they helped. The past couple days would have been worse than ever without a few key people - people who frankly suprised me with their helpfullness. These were not super close friends - but they were life savers.

Where were the ones who I usually reach out to?

One of my problems with this blog has been being honest without being passive-aggressive. It's a fine line to be walking, and often when I seem overly cryptic it's simply my way of not crossing that line. Of course sometimes it's just me being enigmatic...cause you know that is fun too!

I guess what it really comes down to is a rather startling realization I made.

To many in my life, to many whom I felt close to, I am nothing more than a clown. Someone to laugh at in the guise of laughing with. A pleasant sidekick - the asexual friend who never really gets the main plot. Useful to keep around in times of crisis...but not particularly someone to have when things are going super well. And certainly not someone to have around when not being funny or helpful.

And I have been letting it go on. Because somewhere in my deep psyche being helpful was an accolade. Something to strive for. Make yourself useful and people will keep you around.


Like a doormat.

This really has been a repeating pattern since my youth, and one that I thought I'd conquered.

Not so much apparently.

Ok. So where next?

Damned if I know.

Whoever said knowing is half the battle was full of it. Seriously now. Knowing is a step. And a small one at that.

This week is devoted to figuring stuff out. Obviously there need to be changes made, and hopefully they won't be too painful...but I doubt that they won't. Nothing that truly affects us is painless.

I guess I need to get rid of the more toxic elements in my life. Should I confront that part, that darkness or do I walk away quietly?

I've been struggling with this for a while. I try to talk it out with people who know me well...but that hasn't been working.

I found help in the guise of a man who I've known since he was no more than 8 and I was 13. He's 20 now, the little brother of my close friend. And he said a few things that I don't know if I believe - but I needed desperately to hear.

And he didn't make me feel like a drain or like I was a burden. That was a new feeling.

Also a new feeling - not being made to feel that by expressing sorrow or fear that I was just being "bitter." It's funny how those who claim to know me well are so quick to call me that in a derogatory manner.

So here it is - I'm human. I have my problems and I have my fears. If you don't want the whole package, good and bad, light and dark, angel and devil, then get out. If you are going to be reduced to calling me names, calling me bitter for feeling things, then get out. If you are going to dismiss my heart and my worth in word or deed (and please remember actions speak louder than words) then I do not want you in my life.

I changed the quotes off on the sidebar, and here are a few others, which have always whispered in my ear.

Life, like time, is a journey through darkness.
~ Neil Gaiman

Omnia mutantur, nihil interit.
Only the phoenix arises and does not descend. And everything changes. And nothing is truly lost.
~ Neil Gaiman

There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting, in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain.
~ Babylon 5

I hope these words help you find your heart as they help me find mine. I hope your world is filled with more light than dark. I hope that you can find pleasure in the storm and keep friends that don't cause more sorrow than joy. I hope you never forget what it feels like to be kissed by someone who loves you. I hope you never look around and realize that you are an island and that you wake up with the knowledge of your own worth and happiness.

I hope you leave the world a better place than you found it.

Because Anything Is Better Than Grading Exams

Thanks to Missy (who everyone else calls Melissa, but it's been 18-19 years and I'm not about to change right now) for this gem.

A – Accent: New England - Connecticut. In other words I don't particularly have one. Unless I'm in India, in which case it becomes an Indian accent (but only when speaking English). And sometimes I develop a Southern accent. Which is strange cause I've never spent any real time in the South. Also occasionally develop a British accent, or put British enunciations on things. Which actually makes more sense than the Southern thing.
B - Breast size:...yeah you can guess that one.
C - Chore you hate: Cleaning. I just like things to clean magically.
D - Dad's name: Why bother? You can't pronounce it anyway.
E - Essential make-up item: Lipstick or chapstick of some sort.
F - Favorite perfume: Um...VS Pink I guess. I prefer Coconut Lime and Moonlight Way body mist to perfume though.
G - Gold or silver: Silver, or white gold
H - Hometown: Glastonbury, CT
I - Insomnia: quite the opposite actually
J - Job title: Educator, Secondary Biological Sciences
K - Kids: Are you kidding? I can't even keep a plant alive...
L - Living arrangements: 2br/2 bath with the roommate.
M - Mom's birthplace: Not in this country - not gonna mean much if I put it down...
N - Number of apples you've eaten: Someone was reaching for this one. None today. One this month.
O - Overnight hospital stays: We're not counting my birth, right? In that case none.
P - Phobia: Snakes
why is there no q? <-- Q always gets left out. I'm adding it in. Q - Quiet or Loud: quiet these days. Too many loud children around otherwise.
R - Religious affiliation: Hindu.
S - Siblings: Kid brother.
T - Time you wake up: Alarm goes off at 5am. When I get up is a different story.
U - Unnatural hair colors you've worn: I never dye my hair. It's always been 100% natural
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: I dunno. Like most raw veggies...but I'm thinking that brussel sprouts sorta gross me out on principle.
W - Worst habit: So many to choose from - over analyzing and procrastinating
X - X-rays you've had: Just the usual yearly teeth x-rays.
Y - Yummy foods you make: I do a good bruschetta. And I can bake the pants off anyone.
Z - Zodiac sign: Gemini. Don't know any of the rising stuff...if you know how to do it let me know.

Pulling a Neil

Just some quiz results before I go to bed (and so I can close the tabs). You all comment on them - me too tired...

You Are 28 Years Old

ze:6;" > 28 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Alright so maybe a quick comment on these - at least I didn't test in my 30's or older. Some days I feel much older than I should. I think even 28 is bothering me a bit. And it's not that far off really from my true age...

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

And now I'm most compatible with an Old Soul? OK, OK, I get it! I act like a Mom. But I don't...not really? Do I? THIS IS NOT A RHETORICAL QUESTION I WANT FEEDBACK!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

OK - that's a good one I think.

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

What kind of blogger are you?

Me snarky? Where'd you get an idea like that??

Confessions of a Writing Implement Addict

Ok, so Lady Vader mentioned today the gifts of a student...well in her case students so I thought I'd continue the theme. For Christmas I did have a student give me a beautiful mason jar filled with the goodies to make Rocky Road brownies...which given my chocoholic tendencies will be put to good use. I also received a gift card to a coffee bar in the town I teach in. But all that aside, and I appreciate it soo much, what I got from a student today really takes the cake.

So here's the back story. I have an unnatural affinity for office supplies. Seriously, I'll spend hours in a place like Staples or Office Depot wandering around wanting to get everything I see. It's amusing. Anyway, I have these Pilot G2 pens - I adore them, they write well and with purpose. It's cool. It turns out they now make mechanical pencils of the same sort. I was thrilled, so I bought a 4-pack. The first day I had it with me in school? Lost it. And I don't lose things like that easily. I figured one of the kids accidentally put it in their bag, so I'd ask them.

No dice.

Next day, the same damn thing happens. At this point I'm beyond annoyed. Besides not being able to trust my students, I want my damn pencil back!

This is where this kid comes in - the story of my annoyance spread quickly, and 2 days ago I had a student come up to me and ask me if the pencils I was looking for were called G2's. I said yes. One of my friends tells me later that this kid was asking her if this was the pencil I really liked, cause he saw them and was gonna get them for me. My reaction was "aww, that's awesome!" Cause you know he was thinking of it even though he was out of school.

He comes into his class today, sees me chatting with my friend, and says "I have a present for you!"

See the picture below:




Yes, that's right - he got me an entire 12 pack of pencils, plus an extra thing of lead and some refill erasers! Now here's the kicker...

He's not actually my student!

That's right, he's with my friend the other teacher, we (my friend and I) joke that he's 50% my student since he comes in for extra help with me if she's not available.

But yeah, how thoughtful is that? I couldn't believe it. It's nice to know that they occasionally thing of you!

This doesn't mean I'm not ferociously praying for a snowday tomorrow...

Best Wishes...

Happy New Year everyone - I hope this year is better than last. You will all get the full on reflective post later - but in the mean time I hope all is well and this year finds you happy and healthy with more happy moments then sad, and more sweet than bitter.

Explanations and Questions

Right, so you're about to see a bunch of pictures taken with my new camera. Enjoy them, don't enjoy them, it's all good. Old close friends know there was a time when you wouldn't see me without my 35mm SLR. And then, for reasons which don't really matter anymore, I totally lost my passion for the pictures. The long dark teatime of the photographer's soul, which is too bad cause I was getting to be kinda good at it. Anyway. I have the digital variety, though I suspect in a few years I'll go get a tricked out film variety camera again.

Still, the problem remains - I need to learn how to EFFECTIVELY use PhotoShop. Anyone out there willing to spare a couple hours to teach me how to do it well?

One other thing - this has been bugging me...the way that blogger is set up, with most recent posts on the top is starting to annoy the hell out of me. It seems to refute the logical flow of things, so I gotta ask - what are others opinions of switching the the flow over so that more recent posts are on the bottom of the page as opposed to on the top? I realize that having them on the top is easier to find out if a new post has been put there...I mean at this point that's how I look at people's blogs/livejournals...but there is something to be said for the other way. What's the verdict out there? Comment please!

See the Mighty Hunter Go After His Dangerous Prey

Get that ribbon! GET IT!

Relaxing after Causing the Damage

Eliot...I love that leopard spotting on him...

See the Cute, Harmless Kitty

Aww he looks so innocent! He's also wondering what the hell that long tube pointing at him is...

...Who Has Caused Permanent Scarring

Yea...cute kitty who ended up taking a swipe at my nose. That'll teach me to let my face near those claws - yeeouch! It did lead to much apologizing on Ehren's part though...after all he's the one who took the ribbon and tossed in the general direction of my nose for Eliot to swipe at...

OK this is kinda cool - my camera has a function on it called "nightshot" and "nightframing". Basically they make the camera act like night vision goggles...in nightshot the picture actually comes out looking like it was taken in those colors - like this one here. Nightframing means you "see" it through the finder and/or LCD as if it was night vision...but the picture comes out in the usual coloring.  

Closer image, sepia with flash... 

Ok, Sepia again, this time apparently with flash 

Using the Sepia Mode on the camera... 

Have to have used the macro mode here...and holy flash batman! 

Ok, I just like this one.  

A bit of a close up...I don't think I was using the macro function, but at this point I'm not sure. 

Using no particular exciting functions...just the usual stuff. Pomegranate-mango Martinis...yum! 

I Have Absolutely Nothing To Say

...but I'm blogging anyway. I'm not sure why really. In fact this may turn into a super short post.

Enjoying the vacation, it's going to be over WAY too quickly. I need two weeks I think - one for just sleeping and one for actually doing the dumb things I gotta do. Touch the puppet head.

And major bonus points as well as some of the double fudge cake I just baked if you can get the reference I just threw in there. As a hint, it is in fact a song title. Hmm... that reminds me I should download those CDs. I have a bunch of the music on tape...but it would be nice to have it on CD as well. Plus who uses tapes anymore it seems.

I have a new digital camera. She and I are going to have loads of fun together. I'll post pictures soon...

Hmmm...what else? Hung out a bunch with Leila and Ehren - that was fun - thanks for the company guys, you kept me out of my own head which I appreciate much.

I need to get a new calendar. I want the "Endless Nights" one from Amazon.com...but somehow I can't justify spending $15 on a calendar. Maybe I'll get a cheap wall calendar...and spend the $10 on the cuddly eeyore that I want at the Disney store. Because a girl can never have too many stuffed animals. And I've always wanted my own eeyore...:)

OK, I'll stop now and wander off into the mystic. Later darlings!

In Which the Author's Geministic Duality is Re-Discovered

So, as soon as I think I have a handle on something...something goes and changes that sure knowledge. I'm attempting to hang onto that surefire piece of knowledge, it's hard though because it's making me tamp down that cool excited feeling. Still, I know it's the right thing to do...

And now onto the bit that explores my confusing dual-personality...


What's Your Outlook on Life?
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In Which The Author Realizes Something A Bit Too Late

I went rock climbing tonight. Got the harness rented, learned how to belay for someone...it was great.

And then I clipped in after the ppl I was with had given it a shot. And as I was clipping in, getting ready to climb (keep in mind this was an indoor place) I remembered something.

Something key.

Something I probably should have realized earlier.

This was more or less my exact thought:
Oh fuck, I'm afraid of heights...

Yep. I have been since I was a kid. Now, as the years have gone by the fear has lessened, for example, I can now sit in balcony seats and not freak out, but the basic fear is still there.

So the first time I climbed up, I only got about 50-70% up the wall before coming down. Which was actually just as frightening.

You see, to climb up, you need to look down to help you get your feet in the right place. Which is scary. But, to climb down? You need to let go of the handholds. Now this is hard because you're basically up there on a piece of rope trusting your belay-partner to lower you down. And you're trusting the anti-fall device on your equipment. And you know I have trust issues.

So, to go down you have to let go of everything, put your legs at a 90 degree angle to your body and just let yourself go down, nice and slow.

I had issues.

But, I did it. And then next time I went up the same course, and I went up all the way. Letting go was still tough, but I did it.

The third time? I went up a tougher course...and it was harder because it was frankly hard to get hand holds anywhere. I had to stop a couple of times and figure stuff out, I wasn't sure I was gonna make it. But damnit I did. And I did good. That time it was easy to let go and come down because I didn't have the strength to hold on anymore. I did good.

Granted by the end my hands were literally shaking from the exertion...but it was a good feeling.

And screw you fear of heights! I didn't let you stop me from having FUN! It was GREAT.

And then we went had dinner and went to the Tunnel a bar. We were im Northhampton.

It was great. Truly truly fun with colleagues and stuff. The two martinis were not a bad perk either (Lemon Drop martini and Green Apple martini...yum!)

Plus I tied a cherry stem into a triple knot! Rock on, and go me!!

Twelve is the New Eleven...

...except not really.

I just saw "Ocean's Twelve." So here's my spoiler-free review. It was an enjoyable movie. It's not Ocean's Eleven. That movie had this classic feel to it - which makes sense given that it was a remake of a Rat Pack movie. Having said that - I throughly enjoyed the sequel. It has a different feel to it...but I was laughing through most of it.

I don't think you're gonna miss anything if you choose to wait to see it on DVD...but if you get a chance, go check out the movie in the theatre anyway. I actually want to see it again...but I think I'll wait for the DVD.

Saw a preview for "Hitch" starring Will Smith. Damn, that boy looks good. It comes out in February. That might have to be my anti-Valentines day movie this year. It's a romantic comedy, but I think I'll enjoy it.

Saw "Donnie Darko" and "The Butterfly Effect" last weekend. Yeah that seriously f*$%&# with my sense of space/time. I'd say it messed with it for the forseeable future, but to be honest I'm not sure what past/present/future mean anymore. Yikes. Note - if you're gonna watch both movies give yourself something of a break between them. Watching them over 2 days (whatever that means) was probably a good way to cause a serious feedback loop in my brain. A serious one.

Got tickets to go see Jon Stewart. I am psyched. Of course my darling best friend tamped down a bit of the excitement by saying something that qualified as an unadulterated bastard-ish comment. I know he didn't mean to...but his tone was so cutting that it really upset me. *shrugs.* Nothing I can really do about it I suppose...but man that hurt.

I'm a little sensitive about the whole thing - you know me and my tentativeness when it comes to feeling unwanted in a group, which has in general been exacerbated recently. I dunno. I'd say it was my problem and that I'll deal with it, but I'm kinda tired of being strong all the time. This may in part have something to do with the sheer exhaustion I'm dealing with becuase of work. No small part really.

I know that I'm supposed to say something, and believe something, along the lines of "all that really matters is that I think I'm beautiful." But really, that's utter bullshit. Why? Because that's not the society we live in - we are not judged on how we judge ourselves; we're judged based on how other people perceive us. Pure and simple. And no matter how I see myself on the inside, it doesn't matter if other people don't see me that way...and please spare me the line about the inner "light shining through." Let's reserve that fairy tale for children and hysterial teen girls please.

Yes, inner confidence can burst through a person, showing amounts of personality, and certainly if you have nothing but a pretty face it'll catch up with you sooner or later. But you also need something more than that...or you need other people to see it.

And in the end, other people aren't seeing that.

I know this sounds self-pitying and I'm gonna hear it from at least two people I can think of... please. I'm not wanting to hear that, especially from people who I've talked through their own share of issues. I'm just...tired. So tired. And I'm just having trouble hanging onto the inner optimist.

Because no matter how pessimistic/cynical I appear those who know me best know that my heart has been on my sleeve forever and I'm sunshiney most days.

So what's changed? Why do I feel like I'm dying inside? I honestly don't know...and it's not the job. It's not first year syndrome and to treat it as such is dismissing this. I'm getting out, I'm doing stuff, it's just...I feel like I'm going through the motions. Disconnected?

As for what's been going on in the other hand...I refer you to an earlier entry and say, he's just not that into me. I trust my instincts - and that's what they're screaming at me. Not listening to my instincts has inevitably resulted in trouble for me.

Maybe it's time to close off before I get so far that I end up a broken wreck.

I want to say more...I want to rail and scream and yell, but I'll only hurt friends if I do so...and anytime I try to talk to them, I'm shut down. Dismissed. Treated as if this is just a regular thing when I know something else is going on.

I guess it's normal though - people who are happy don't want to go near that abyss...they are afraid they're gonna get dragged in again. Can't say I blame them. Rather, I know I shouldn't. But I guess part of me does...I just want to be able to sit down and talk to someone who knows me. But like I said, even if I hate it, I understand.

Besides, I know I'm gonna end up doing what I always end up doing, defending thoughts and ideas of those in my family, because they are foreign to those outside who care about me. And nothing ever gets resolved because they can't help but be judgemental of what they don't understand. Human nature and all that.

So for now...I keep going. To quote a great man, either I'll come out the other side. Or I won't. Either way, I'll be here getting through this, like it or not. *sighs*

This sounds bad...I should apologize but I'm not going to. Why should I keep hiding just because it annoys other people? What good does that do?

Sleep for tonight I guess.

Religious Philosophy

Joan: Why did you make so many religions, anyway? I mean, wouldn't it
be easier if everybody had the same one?
God: Well, there's so many different people. They all need a different way of relating to me, and that's what religions are -- different ways to share the same truth.
~ Joan of Arcadia

Yeah. So I really love that show. If you haven't seen it, you should. And at times when they say stuff like that? It's so simple - but apparently so controversial idea people are willing to kill and die for it.

Humanity. We're a bunch of losers.

I Got Bored Again

Ok, yes I got bored again so, new template. Then I decided I wasn't a fan of verdana and like Arial better. So I changed it along with a host of minor changes.

And now I'm not sure I like that. So, I've got to decide if the sidebar font is too small, and whether I should just increase the font or switch the sidebar stuff right back to Verdana, leaving the main blog font as Arial.

Eh, too tired to futz with it anymore. If you all have suggestions, I'm listening. Or reading. Whatever.

Because I Haven't Posted Any in Awhile...

You are a Maine Coon! You are larger than life, a
gentle giant. You are independent, but very
affectionate with your friends and family.


What breed of cat are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Huh... ok then. I guess so.


Mint Tea...
You are Mint Tea!
Naturally sweet you have a happy-go-lucky attitude.
The world is full of fun and wonder! Although
you can be naive at times and quite aloof to
your surroundings you know how to have good
clean fun! Most people see you as cute and very
gentle by nature and it is most likely true.
You have a great outlook on life and you try
not to let things get to you. Go you!


What type of Tea are you? {-With Anime Pictures!-}
brought to you by Quizilla

Cute and very gentle by nature? Right ok - someone else want to comment on these? Cause I can't quite decide if I agree or not...

Diggin around in the grey matter

Trying to figure stuff out. It's not going well.

George makes fun of me because I put up a bunch of pictures in my room. Of them, 3 are solely of me, and one is me and a friend. He seems to think this is somehow narcissistic. And truly it might be but not for the reasons he believes. Each of those 3 pictures was taken AFTER I graduated college, May 2002. Each represents something about me...a small pictoral image of a journey of growing up.

It's funny, because some of this I'm just realizing now, and because it's like there is a key to all of this that no one else can see. Each image I'm smiling, each image most people can't see beneath the surface. But they represent such varied things.

July 2002 -A picture where I am alone...and felt alone...but I wasn't. Not really.

Spring 2003 - A picture where I am alone, and felt alone but felt that I wasn't. But I was. So desperately.

August 2004 - Not feeling quite so alone but grappling with thoughts and fears that I can barely even begin to describe to myself let alone put into words. Alone in a crowd.

I'm too in my head. I'm going to clean or play or do something. Maybe that will take the edge off.

Here's to all

...the passive agressive nitwits
...the people (read: students) who won't take any personal responsibility ("Miss! He was distracting me that's why I got a 32% on the test!" No you knucklehead - you LET yourself get distracted. Honestly.)

Wait. Stop. Let's end the rant that was about to stop. I'm going to focus on the best thing that happened today. It's so small, but...

There's one kid in my class who seriously underacheived last quarter. You want to know how bad you ask me - let's leave it at it was BAD.

This quarter he has 100% on the one quiz, and a 96% on the test and he has done all his homework. Almost. We'll get to that one in a second.

Anyway, Underachieving Andy (name changed to protect the innocent) has been bopped on the head by me at least twice this quarter. Mostly because I am SO DAMN PROUD of what he's been doing so far. I berate him to the tune of "Good lord, [Underachieving Andy] what were you doing last quarter? You knucklehead!"

So today, I'm checking off homework, and the former Underachieving Andy, presently Achieving Andy, doesn't have it. I must have looked disappointed cause he actually seemed to really care what I thought of him. He was afraid of disappointing me! I don't know if you guys can appreciate how incredible a feeling that is...but lord help me that kid is fantastic.

And he knows if he misses a homework assignment again he's toast.

Ok, and on that note I'm gonna try the sleep thing. Last day tomorrow - whee!

Oops I Did it Again

...and I can't believe I just quoted Britney Spears. Another perfectly good phrase ruined by a rather annoying pop princess. Oy.

Nevertheless, I looked up and I had let just about a month go by without posting an entry. Oops indeed. I really didn't mean to do that. Just got a little busy I suppose.

I got my new baby yesterday. I don't think I ever posted it...actually I know I didn't cause I just checked the archives. Anyway - I bought one last July - and then realized I needed the left-handed version. Which really I knew from the beginning, but I let other people talk me out of it, because I couldn't explain why I knew that I needed the lefty model. In case you're interested - it turns out you can't keep the beat with your weaker hand - it needs to be your dominant hand. Heh. Who knew? Well I did, but to all you right-handed freaks out there, now you know too.

Holding it sorta wigged out Dan and Ehren. They had to play it upside down and backwards. I just laugh - now they know why I was always uncomfortable with their stuff. :)

Course I get it when I have 110 exam papers to grade. Yikes, this is going to be an interesting weekend. Oh well - at least next week is going to be super short!

I was just browsing through old archives, and realized that there was a lot more in this sucker than I remembered. I've had it for less than a year at this point, so it's kinda cool. Also that I occasionally say some kinda cool stuff.

I spent some time on my trip to SF last March. You know, I want that feeling again. So whether it's going to SF, or to LA or going somewhere, I think I'm going to have to engineer a trip sometime. Maybe February or April break? I'd love to go with friends, but to do that I'd need them to miss school and/or work. And that just bites. Grr. Somebody have a long weekend around to go down to DC? Maybe over Christmas? Karen - you and me to Cali sometime, definately.

I have, much to my roommate's annoyance discovered a new philosophy on life, based on the book: He's Just Not That Into You - ladies read this book. Men, read this book. Damnit it's a GREAT FUCKING book.

OK, I'm tired - I have more to say but more importantly papers to grade...I'll be back.

The Sentiment Applies

One of my favorite Muppet songs. Find the song (or have me send it to you) if you haven't heard it, but the key part is here...I'm sitting here drinking a beer and shaking my head at the fact that I seem to be empathizing with a frog and dog.

Here's the key lyric:

Rowlf (talking about keeping his life simple and
relationship free): Yep. I finish work, go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to
bed.
Kermit: Nice and simple.
Rowlf: Stay away from women. That's my motto.
Kermit: But I can't.
Rowlf: Neither can I. That's my trouble...

Substitute "men" for "women" and I'm all set. Heh. See this is why I love the Muppets - they resonate at any age!

Night kids.

11 Hour Days Suck...

...unless of course they are 11+ hour days in which case they reach levels which can only be described by Dante. In the Inferno.

I just want to know how I, a slacker really, ended up the typical workaholic. Seriously. I didn't see this coming and I doubt anyone else did.

I do love my job...I just wouldn't mind if maybe there was a tiny bit less of it. I'm just sayin' here.

First formal observation this week so I'm majorly in overdrive here. I want to blow the VP's socks off. Truly. So, 11+ hour days here I come. It's 6pm, and I think I'm gonna nap and then get up and do yet more work.

The next person who tells me teacher's are either (a) overpaid or (b) shouldn't complain cause they get summers off or even (c) are paid quite enough for what they do is gonna be the recipient of a well-deserved bloody nose.

*sighs* Damn, I need a life.

Outside of work that is.

Icing the Palms and Lovin' it...

New game. George bought "Donkey Konga." It comes with conga drums. 10 minutes into playing it we decided that we needed to call Ehren. 5 min after he played it, he went out and bought his own copy.

Dear god in heaven. IT ROCKED OUT. George is still in the other room playing. I am icing down my hands becuase they are lobster red - but damn it was fun.

Heh. You must see this game at some point soon-ish.

OK - more work to be done but wanted to point that little bit out.

Still here, just sleeping...

It's been 3.5 weeks since I last posted.

Oops.

I really didn't mean to let that much time pass...it's just everytime I had something to say I was too tired to say it and opted for going to bed or staring at the TV with a blank expression on my face instead. Like I said, my IQ drops about 75-100 points at 2:10 every day. It's somewhat amusing. And sad. Very sad.

Interesting happenings in my life? Most people have been talking to me...so you know about the job sitch. That's going well - details you can get from me in person of course. Ups and downs, but I'm still happy. Well, happy with some light showers of annoyance. But again, that's expected in this profession.

Spent yesterday chilling out with Ehren - Applefest (got a cool ring!), Coldstone (ran into Martina of all the odd places to run into her) where I experience peanut butter chocolatey goodness, Barnes and Noble where I got a book I will be talking about in a moment AND ran into Caro! Then back here to watch "A Time to Kill", dinner at Chili's with Dan and Ehren to see Ali, and then back here to finish the movie and catch the last bit of the "Growing Pains" 2nd reunion movie.

Right - so the book is Jon Stewart's book America (the Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction. The forward is written by Thomas "T.J." Jefferson.

This book is bloody hilarious. Understand me? HILARIOUS.

First of all, it's set up as a high school textbook, right down to that stamp in the inside. Except when you look closer you notice that, hmm, there's something a tiny bit different about it. It's subtle and cute.

The rest of the book...really I can't describe it well enough - get thee to a book store and flip through a copy. It's entirely worth it. I do love the pull out poster showing the Shadow government hierarchy, and the end of chapter review questions and class activities are enough to keep Ehren, me, and Leila (who stopped by after work) in hysterics for a good long while. People - get this book.

At some point I need to order He’s Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. A friend reccomended it and it looks amazingly funny - unfortunately it's sold out at Barnes and Noble...however, if anyone already has a copy that I can borrow I'd appreciate it. My friend is taking her copy, highlighting and tabbing it. She feels it has intense value. Why didn't he call? He's just not that into you. Why hasn't he remembered anything of importance in your life? He's just not that into you. This is good advice ladies. I'm just sayin'.

Finally watched "A Time to Kill." Ehren wanted to see it so I swallowed my fears, sucked it up and watched it. The background here is that I enjoy John Grisham's books, and the movies based on his books. I have wanted to watch this movie for awhile. However, one thing has prevented me from watching this particular movie. When it came out the review made it clear that there is a very graphically portrayed rape of a 10-year old girl in the first few minutes of the movie. I have intense trouble watching rape scenes no matter what the circumstances but I knew watching that particular scene would be worse than most.

It was.

Ehren realized at some point that I was not doing to well with it. But I'll also say this much - the movie was excellent and I would reccomend it to anyone. It's a pretty powerful movie - and it's worth it. So, watch it.

And that was my day. It was a good day. And now I have to go and do a ton of work, including reading over 115 lab reports. Yikes.

Russell out.

7:35, the weeks sucks, but alcohol doens't

It's not even 8pm. I've been trashed since 6pm. It's a school night.

At least it took me a month to get to the point where I'm drinking lots on a school night. So much weird stuff going on in my head, but I gotta say I'm not anywhere near drunk enough to actually talk about it. Suffice to say - my life is odd and I'm not convinced good.

I enjoy my job...but some of it is driving me nuts. Suprisingly I'm turning into a bit of a workaholic. Which is totally unexpected cause during student teaching I couldn't get out of there soon enough. I still want to get out of there...but I feel good about getting stuff done. Of course I'm wicked behind in grading. Ridiculosly behind. It's bad.

I should stop typing now, before I really lose it. Besides I should go to sleep soon. That would be good.

:) Night all!

PS - yay vanilla vodka!

Basically, I couldn't sleep if I wanted to

So today has consisted of, in order, caffiene mixed with chocolate, alcohol, chocolate, and more sugar caffiene mixtures. I am not even anywhere near the state of sleep, which sucks cause I'm too wired to grade, or write, or do anything useful that I should be doing or that, in the case of writing some letters, that I want to do.

Instead my heart is racing, and my mind is going about a million times faster than that. The roommate isn't around, and no one is on line (reasonable since it's almost 2 am) so I can't even talk to anyone about what's on my mind.

Grrrr. Stupid caffiene. Grrrrr.

This weekend, so far, has been super keen. Was up in NH visiting with Ehren and his 'rents. Who are just super people so that was a lot of fun. Totally worth pushing back a dentist's appointment for. It rocked. Much fun was had by all, and I am now the owner of a new Nalgene bottle. I'm hoping this means, via a process of alternating, that I will wash them out more often. Yep. That should work.

It's bright pink too. So that's cool. Betcha the kids freak out. Just watch - I know 'em well!

OK, gonna try sleeping. I am, afterall, exhausted.

Chilling Out & Recuperating

Yup. Recovering from my bout with the cold that the kids gave me. If I ever manage to figure out which one of the kids got me sick, I'm going to be failing that particular child. Seriously. I ended up taking Thursday as a sick day which pissed me off incredibly. I hate taking time off in the middle of the week - it makes me feel all that much more disconnected when I come back to school. Which it did again. And I felt like I was running away. But, it also turned out to be the smartest thing I could have done - 'cause I certainly felt a bit better on Friday when I went back.

Which was good cause I was at school til a little after 5:30 pm. If I get one more person telling me that teacher's have it easy I'm going to attack them with a red pen and the fetal pigs we were dissecting this week. Indeed!

Chilling out at Ehren's for now, going to bake some of the cookies he liked that I made for the department picnic. Yummy!!

Singing in the Rain was on TV tonight. How cool? Can I reiterate that I want, nay, need, a man with the charm and wit of Gene Kelly. And the body of Hugh Jackman. Actually, just a nice mesh of those two men would keep me happy. Very happy. Forever happy.

You get the sense that my thoughts are jumping around faster than the Energizer Bunny on speed? Yeah...go figure.

What else is going on? Had a religious experience today, but not really wanting to talk about it just yet...I will eventually...but for now I need to process what happened.

I find my mind working in a similar way now that it did a couple years ago when I wrote some rather interesting reflections. Except that I'm happier on the surface now than I was then. I'm not sure how deep that happiness runs. Well that's not entirely true - for the most part I know that I'm the happiest I've been lately than I've been in years. But, to some extent that happiness feels a bit like a delusion. I'm not sure why, though it is not out of the realm of possibilities that I'm just not used to feeling ok. I think part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop!

I do know that something is missing right now. I don't know what it is, because the answer I suspect is deeper than the obvious, but something is not right. Something I need in my life isn't here...but I don't even have a notion as to what it is. Is that weird? I don't know.

I guess there really isn't much I can do now, except trust that it will be revealed to me in time. Cause you all just know I'm the world's most patient person. Really now. :)

Ok, time to go bake cookies. Night all!

Apologies All Around ~or~ Who Loves Ya Baby?

Yes. I haven't posted in awhile. Not a real post certainly. And yes, I am very very sorry. But I do in fact have a good excuse...I've been exhausted and going to bed at like 9pm every night. And that's only been 'cause I've been literally FORCING myself to stay up that late.

This whole "real" job thing is taking it out of me. The kids are great - but they are taking it out of me. This week is gonna be the longest one yet, literally and figuratively so we'll see.

A word of warning - I am on NyQuil...or rather the WalMart version of NyQuil. So you are entering a drugged up zone. Don't say I didn't warn you.

George is sicker, I am sick. I stopped by WalMart on the way home to get drugs. Walked out with Vick VapoRub (TM) , Equate versions of Tylenol Cold, DayQuil, Luden's throat drops, and the his and hers pack of NyQuil. I swear to you I think George just about fell to his feet when he saw the 2 bottles of NyQuil I bought. It was sweet, in that I'm your fucking dealer bitch do what I say sort of way.

Anyway. Other news? Work is going well, I enjoy it a lot. Kudos to Ehren for helping me keep sane on the weekends.

Went to the staff party at the department head's place in Massachusetts last weekend. It rocked - took Ehren since George was a bit unavailable due to some heavy consumption of adult beverages at the football game earlier. Got to my co-workers' children... adorable all of them.

Loved holding the 7month old baby...got what a cutie. I wish some of my older friends would have kids that I could spoil (and hand back at the end of the day). Babies are fun when they aren't your own!

I do have more to write...but that medication is kicking in and I can barely keep my eyes open...I'm losing coherency fast. And I mean REALLY fast.

Leave love, remind me that I have people out there who love me! And who love me for me, not because I control their grades and by extension their lives...heh heh heh...

Russell Out.

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